When does bullying start?

Bullying (attacks on a person’s identity, possessions, body, etc.) can begin at any age though is most commonly seen in middle school. 

From a developmental standpoint, a teenager’s job is to learn about their social identities and who they want to be.  They are also drawn to independence, which further solidifies their job of determining who to be in the world.  They may adopt different music interests, engage in new clothing trends, change friend groups, or dabble in other methods of self-expression in order to “try on” different identities.  Teenagers largely depend on their peers to gauge their efforts and get feedback about who they are or who they aren’t--which can either be immensely helpful or severely damaging.

Because teens typically don’t have a solid sense of identity, insecurities and self-doubt can plaque their experiences.  For some teens, this comes out in social anxiety or avoidance of meeting new people.  Others may cling to sports or things that feel in-line with their values and interests.  And some may resort to bullying.  Bullying behavior may come out for a number of reasons—the individual may project their insecurities onto others, anticipate gaining social status or approval of other peers, or may witness similar behavior in their own homes.  We see this most in teenage years as social relationships are becoming more important and the need for connection and acceptance rises (though how those interactions play out isn’t effective).

It can be very difficult to stop bullying or gain control over the behavior of other teens, even with the help of teachers or school staff (and especially since bullying can happen through social media).  If bullies gain power through causing humiliation and shame, then self-love and compassion are great ways to remove their dominance.  If you refuse to continue the torture they incite inside yourself, you have won.  It’s also imperative to surround yourself with those that care about you and accept you just as you are—this can act as a giant shield to pain and shame, and only takes one or two people to create.

This is also a great resource if you or someone you know has been a victim of bullying: https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/get-help-now.

The best reminder you can give yourself is that you are not the awful things that people have said about you or done to you.  Give yourself kindness and reach out for help if you need to!