How depression affects relationships?

If depression could talk, it’d say things like, “you aren’t good enough,” “there’s no point in anything,” or, “you aren’t capable of doing that!”.  Add in fatigue, changes in eating and sleeping, feelings of worthlessness, loss of interest in activities, social isolation, and it’s not too hard to feel as if you’re drowning.

Besides the physical toll depression takes on a person, shame is the real beast.  Shame is a combination of emotions and thoughts about the self—self-hatred and disgust, unlovable and unworthy, believing you are incapable of living life or completing tasks—basically the inner critic within that tells you that you suck.  The more you believe you suck, the less you engage in life, which provides the brain with even more evidence that you suck, turning into a vicious cycle.  Shame is always about how we view ourselves about others. 

How does this impact relationships?  If you believe you are unloveable, unworthy, or don’t have the energy to socialize, do you then gravitate toward or away from people?  For most, it’s the latter.  Depression convinces us that we don’t deserve to show up globally, and when we do, we suck at it.  It feels like a burden—or you may feel like a burden.  Because as a species, we move toward pleasure and away from pain, we then isolate ourselves from others to avoid triggering intensified shame in social situations.  Then because we isolate, we feel guilt and shame about letting others down or feeling increasingly incapable of living fulfilling lives; this perpetuates that vicious cycle.

Another way this materializes is in romantic relationships.  The intense experience of shame creates a pull toward disengagement from their partner, generating conflict, jealousy, feelings of abandonment, or misinterpretation of their partner’s behavior.  If depression tells you someone doesn’t love or care about you, the urge to move toward vulnerability and connection may not be as present as the urge to escape emotionally or engage in conflict. 

Depression is very treatable, so we don’t have to live forever chained to our shame stories and the ways those come out with others.  Based on the research, we know that what’s most effective in combating depression is a combination of talk therapy and medication (depending on the person and severity).  A sure byproduct of changing the brain’s belief system about worthiness and capabilities is stronger, fulfilling relationships with others.  It’s not an easy path, but neither is believing you suck.

If you feel depressed, push through those barriers to reaching out and don’t give up on getting what you need.  It may take switching therapists, medications, and practicing great patience with yourself, but we are all more than worthy of change!