How do I get over past hurt from relationships to not let it ruin my current ones?

Hi there!  

This is truly a great question and one that I know many people struggle with.  So rest assured you are not alone.  I think it is almost a detriment to yourself to look at your past trauma as something that you have to get over or let go.  That is just not how trauma works.  Our brains store trauma so differently than it does every day activities so that the memory of the trauma, the emotions, and even the bodily sensations do not ever go away.  They are essentially locked in your brain forever.  Then when there is something that is similar to that trauma or even feelings/beliefs that are similar to how you were feeling at the time of the trauma, it triggers your brain to bring up those past memories in an attempt to keep yourself from some perceived danger.  I know that does not always make sense - especially when you do not look at what is happening in the moment as dangerous.  It is just that trauma memory popping up and your brain goes to fight, flight, or freeze mode. 

So in response to how do you get over the past hurt, my answer would be that essentially you don't.  What you can do though is to process the hurt and the trauma so that the hurt you have experienced can be digested and is no longer stuck.  It will still stay in your brain because unfortunately we have not found a way to wipe out memories.  But the ideal is that if you can process the hurt, you can get to a place where you are able to talk about the memories or remember the memories and have a neutral reaction - so basically it would not continue to have the same intense emotional reaction for you. 

One of the great ways of working through this kind of trauma is using EMDR therapy.  If you are not familiar with that, it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  That's a lot of words that likely sound foreign all pushed together like that.  But basically, we know that when a disturbing/disruptive/upsetting event or trauma occurs, it gets locked in the nervous system with the original picture, thoughts, feelings, and body sensations (as I mentioned earlier).  That can be the basis for a lot of discomfort and feelings of being out of control.  The uncomfortable feelings are connected with the old experience triggered in the present.  The eye movements (or other Bilateral Dual Attention Stimulation) in the therapy I am telling you about seems to unlock the nervous system and allow the mind and body to process the experience.  This helps to process the conscious and unconscious material.  So you get to remain in control while your brain does the healing.  

So you would come to therapy, and be prepared to bring up a memory, issue, or symptom you want to work on with the picture, thoughts, feelings, and body sensations associated with it to stimulate the memory network.  Then in conjunction with an EMDR trained therapist you would start to process some of that trauma using the very specific EMDR protocol.  EMDR is evidence based and has helped millions of people. 

I have found in my experience as a therapist that when working with someone with a history of trauma, this is one of the most effective ways to help process the trauma and hurt and get to a place where that no longer controls your life and interactions with people in the future.  

I highly recommend that if you are able and willing, seek out an EMDR therapist to work with.  It does not have to be me, but I do offer that treatment modality in addition to others.  I feel like you have great potential to move beyond the hurt if you commit yourself to processing through it.  

I hope this has been even a little helpful for you!  Good luck and best wishes!