Can I help our son?

Good morning Enlightened Mum,

Thank you so much for sharing your question and I'm sorry to hear about the circumstances and your family that are causing your current distress.

It sounds like you are feeling worried about your son noticing the behavior he is presented with in his current relationship with his girlfriend. From what you were sharing, as a mom my myself I can understand the stress and worry that is presenting - seeing your son make choices that you are worried about affecting him long-term.

It is tough to determine the middle path to ensure that you are voicing your concerns about this relationship while also showing that you are here for your son for emotional support at any stage in this process.

It is important to communicate that you are a safe support that work and will never ostracize or isolate your son for the behaviors that are happening right now. He mentioned that his girlfriend seems to be isolating him from other social supports, which is a red flag and can be indicative of an abusive relationship dynamic. The tricky part is because your son is an adult, he has the right to move forward with his relationship in the way that he is, even though you see the cracks in the foundation and fear the outcome for your son, if that makes sense?

I encourage you to continue communication with your son letting him know you were here when he's ready, you will always be a support network and a safe person for him to lean on. And even if he pulls away from the relationship dynamic and family, you are continuing to support him and be there for him from afar - you want to make sure he feels safe enough to come back and lean on you if things go astray in the relationship. 

Another thing you might wanna think about is the fact that you are grieving the loss of the relationship with your son in childhood. It is really tough to see our Children grow up and make decisions that we do not approve of or we fear put them in harms way. As a child, you were able to protect your son and control more of the environment he was in, people he was around, decisions he was making, and now you're having to grieve the loss and this relationship is a stark reminder of that.

It is important to acknowledge and hold space for your grief during this process. Grief is not a linear process and even though there are stages to grief, your experience with grief likely will not feel very linear. You likely will have moments of sadness and depression, followed by moments of anger and frustration, then maybe glimmers of acceptance before you fall right back into denial in shock and this is all a normal part of the healing process.

Having space to fully feel through these emotions is going to be really important so that you can keep yourself supported during this really intense chapter of your life. I would encourage you to carve out time to either journal, meditate, talk with loved ones, and fuel your own individual self-care so that you are able to continue to do this really intense emotional work.

This is where the process of getting individual counseling for yourself might be incredibly effective. BetterHelp has a number of resources and providers with different expertise, treatment modalities, and support areas that might benefit you during this time in your life. You do not have to go about this alone! And it is important to lean on others and ensure your mental health is a priority as you're navigating the circumstances with your son.

BetterHelp makes it easy to find the therapist that is right for you. When you sign up for BetterHelp, you will complete a short questionnaire asking you your preferences for treatment including any type of gender, treatment methods, expectations, and needs that you have. After this, BetterHelp will assign you the therapist that fits the questionnaire best for you. Therapy is not one size fits all! BetterHelp makes it easy to switch your counselor if the first fit is not right for you. This is normal and important to allow yourself space to find a therapist that feels safe, comforting, and validating during this tough time in your life.

Your therapist can help you with many different things but one thing that might be incredibly helpful is creating a healthy self care regimen to support you during this difficult chapter. You cannot pour from an empty cup and taking care of your own emotional needs is a really important part of setting a healthy boundary and also modeling appropriately for your son as well.

Your therapist can be your biggest cheerleader, accountability partner, listening ear who is able to provide advice, and somebody who is able to hear you and validate your concerns and also guide you as you navigate to relationship with your son effectively.

It is helpful to have a safe space to communicate these feelings to an outside source who has no connection or personal relationship to the circumstances with your son. Having a dedicated space to focus on yourself every week like therapy is a good start any healthy self care regimen. 

It is important acknowledge your own feelings in this process and know that you are not alone. You do not have to go about this without support and it is important to remind yourself to fill your cup first so that whenever your son is ready to come and ask for support you are ready to give it!

Starting the process of counseling can be incredibly difficult but you made a big step today asking this question! Take the step to sign up for services and give yourself the space to heal! I promise you it is a decision you will not regret! I wish you best of luck in your healing journey!