How do I deal with my dad's new wife who gaslights and manipulates me and my sisters?

My dad's wife is incredibly sensitive and likes to make certain situations far worse than they need to be. There was a disagreement between me and her about my graduation and she believed she should have priority over my boyfriend (i only got 2 guest tickets). She sent a rather horrible message and I matched her energy as I was defending myself and my boyfriend. And now my dad expects me to apologize to her, but I’d like an apology from her first. This issue just isn’t going away. I’d like to just drop it and just be civil but my dad won’t let it go and is making me feel like it’s all my fault… There’s a lot more to it but this is just the an example.

Thank you for your time in reading this.
Asked by Flora
Answered
10/28/2022

Hello Flora,

First, Congratulations on your upcoming graduation! Thank you for reaching out. You ask a wonderful question. You have a good awareness of the inappropriateness of your dad's wife and you are not wrong to be concerned or feel frustrated by this. You're right, this is an example of gaslighting behavior. It also sounds like she is bringing your dad into this now. I'm sorry to hear that this is now affecting your relationships.

All of us are entitled to set and establish boundaries with those in our lives - friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc. As you mentioned, you are allowed 2 tickets to your graduation. It should absolutely be your choice whom you invite. Sounds like she was hurt and took offense to not being invited. That is, or should be, her issue and her problem. You did nothing wrong. Dad likely feels trapped in the middle of this and hears about it from her, so he is trying to smooth things over as best he can. He wants you to apologize to her so that she can feel that she was right. Is he wanting you to apologize for not inviting her or for how you responded to her message? I would also suggest showing dad the message she sent you, so that he can see directly for himself the reason(s) you were so upset.

It is not your fault that she reacted and responded the way that she did. I suspect that this is not the first time something like this has come up with her? 

If you and I were working together in therapy, I would want to explore more about your background and your relationship with your parents. This also puts you into a very difficult situation with your dad, too. 

I would encourage you to use "I statements" with your dad. For example, " I did not like how she spoke to me, I felt attacked in her message, I feel that I am being made to feel guilty because xxx, etc. 

I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best on your journey!