How do I deal with my widowed narcissistic mom who has criticized me my whole life.

Hello,

I'm sorry about the loss of your father. I'm sure it's hard for both you and your mom. Unfortunately, it sounds like maybe your mom is coping poorly with this and has become more hurtful and critical. It's hard to not let someone's comments affect us, especially when they're coming from our own mother, who should be helping us feel confident. Obviously I know few details about the situation, but based on your message here are a few thoughts/ideas:

1. I suggest working on identifying your strengths and really understanding them. Balancing your mother's comments with some self-talk, where you're able to remind yourself of what you like about yourself can reduce the effect that your mom's comments will have. It can take some time to build confidence, but writing a list of your strengths and asking others to help you with this (we often don't recognize our strengths, especially if we struggle with confidence), and then frequently reviewing that list, can be helpful. This is similar to the concept of writing positive affirmations, which I encourage you to look at doing (there's plenty of information online about positive affirmations). 

2. I would try to be assertive with your mother. I know that's easier said than done, especially with having a low level of confidence and finding her to be manipulative, but letting her know how you feel, even if it doesn't actually prevent her from continuing these behaviors, can at least allow you to express yourself. Being able to stand up for yourself, regardless of her response, can help you build confidence.

3. Set boundaries with her. I would first try to be assertive, and I would also try to be understanding that she may be struggling a great deal with your dad's passing, but if she's not willing to take a look at her behavior, then you may want to reduce the time you spend with her or set boundaries with regards to what kind of conversations you have with her. 

4. I suggest participating in therapy. A lot of people begin therapy to work on building confidence, and while you can work on it yourself, you may find that therapy can be helpful and can also help you feel more supported. Having lost your father (and it sounds like you had a close relationship with him) may have left you with less support. I would try to find greater support, whether that be through therapy, through reaching out and being open with what's going on with friends, whether that's relying on a church support group, etc. You need people in your life who care, and it doesn't sound like you're getting that from your mother right now.

5. Try to help your mom find greater support. If she is overcome by grief and having a very hard time adjusting to your father's death, she may need a support system that's outside of the family. Of these suggestions, this one is probably the most difficult to do, as it's quite possible that she's not open to receiving that help and support, but letting her know that you recognize that she's struggling and care about her (which I know can be hard to do when she's being hurtful towards you) may help her to seek the help she needs.

Anyway, just let me know if you have any additional questions. I'd be happy to work with you if you decide to try therapy. 

Take care,

Nick DeFazio