How do I stop feeling selfish for feeling my feelings?

Emotions are Difficult

It is complicated to get in touch with emotions that are not pleasurable. When we get into arguments with our significant other, there are a few things we have to remember. One thing to recall is that we can't wait to get in touch and then accurately express our emotions when things are intense. In relationship arguments, these go immediately intense because there is so much dependence on the relationship to be meaningful and for us to be heard and comfortable that we get intense emotions. So, we are attempting to understand and then correctly express something intense that we may not have done before. 

You can start to be mindful of your emotions in your day-to-day life on the minor things. For example, as you read this, you can ask, "what am I feeling now." When you ask yourself this, you are focusing your mind's awareness on your emotions, and you can get better at it over time. Now, when you are in a disagreement with your significant other, you are feeling feelings and these emotions then tell you what to do, and you believe them. Your feelings say this is too much, and you shouldn't express them because you might feel "that is bad." Some people just explode. Either way, as you identified, you are not expressing your needs and wants in the relationship, and that is upsetting you. 

Here's what you can also do. Practice on stating what you are feeling. Say out loud what is happening inside. You are allowed to say you are experiencing frustration; you are hurt; you are sad; you are feeling agitated. Here's the deal: when we get frustrated, we tend to overlook that we assume other people should know how we feel. We know that we assume other people's thoughts about us because we say things like, "you should know" or "wouldn't everyone feel that way." In reality, we should never assume or remain passive on identifying and stating what we feel. 

Get in touch with your emotions and identify how you experience them in your body. Now when you get into another disagreement with your wife, you can focus on the fact that this is intense, you are feeling something, and then say what you are feeling. She doesn't have to agree, but that is not ours to correct. Our job is to identify and name what is happening inside us and remain rational in our interactions while stating what we want.