I need help with dealing with a narcissistic Mother and difficult relationship.

Hi Maggie,

I can see that you have quite a struggle on your hands with dealing with not one but two parents who have complex personalities, so I am glad that you are considering seeking help and support from a professional mental health therapist with this.

The good news is that you have already made your first step towards healing and setting yourself up for success in recognizing that you have the power to put a stop to the generational patterns. By attending to some boundaries for yourself as well as attending to your needs, you will set the foundation for change for you and your children. You can break the patterns and there is professional help available for you at BetterHelp.

I will share some tips and strategies you can begin to consider to help get you on your way to creating some changes for  you and your family.

Acceptance and Letting Go

I am sure you have realized by now that you just can’t seem to ‘win’ or even get a break with your parents.  This is because someone with narcissistic traits needs and thrives on control and there is likely to be very little compromise on their end.

Accepting who your parents are can go a long way to reducing your own anxiety.  The negative words and actions aimed at you are mere projections of how they feel about themselves, and they are deeply wounded people.  You mentioned that you are aware of the generational patterns from your grandparents and perhaps the generation before – knowing such matters allows us to be compassionate about our parents and help us accept that maybe if things had been different for your parents growing up things might have been quite different for you.

Recognize Gaslighting Attempts

It is not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to confuse us as a child with their perceptions of truths, often making a child feel baffled, lost and even mystified.  If you continue to have this experience, try to stay grounded in real facts and resist getting sucked into their world  – fact check if you need to, talk with someone you trust if this helps.

Compassion Helps

Though they may not show it, understanding that deep down the narcissistic parent does care about you can go a long way to maintain your relationship with your parents, as well as helping to keep your self-esteem in good order.  Beneath the harsh exterior is often a wounded and deeply sensitive person that needs a lot of compassion and understanding from you.

Prioritize Self-Compassion

After having a difficult childhood that most likely lacked compassion, it is time you give that compassion to yourself.  Be kind to yourself and knowing you are doing your best will go a long way to attending to your self worth.

Recovering from such a childhood is not an easy process. It will take time. Be patient and let go of any self-blame you might be holding on to.  It is okay to put your needs first. Take time for yourself. It is okay if you do not have the energy to support others. It is okay to say no without offering an explanation.   Reaching out for help from a professional therapist would be a great support to you with this!

Seeking Out A Solid Support System

Seeking support from others is crucial. If you don’t already have a good social support network around you already this is something that you and a therapist can work on together.

Boost Your Self-Confidence and Self-Worth

It is important to recognize your self-worth and build a solid foundation for yourself, so you are confident and equipped for the world.  There are effective ways to do this - one way is to engage in activities that increase your skills and abilities – this goes a long way to boosting our self-confidence.  Take up a new fun hobby, join a fun group such as a yoga class or Zumba class.  

Assert Your Boundaries

You mention that you struggle with setting boundaries – if you need help with this your therapist can teach you how to do this.  A narcissistic parent can often test and step all over your boundaries. Learning how to set firm boundaries and enforce consequences when they are crossed will allow you maintain a relationship with your parents and is healthy for you.

Be Transparent With Your Plans

Be transparent with your parents.  State your plans and intentions clearly and concisely.

Be upfront that you recognize their undesirable behaviors for what they are, and set a boundary that you will not accept his from them.  Laying out your rules (boundaries) allows for your personal growth in the relationship you have with your parents.

Stay Alert

Narcissists can be complicated and complex, take a moment to step back and consider their behaviors and you might be able to see that their behaviors can be expected and are often predictable. This can help you predict their actions so you are not caught off guard and therefore, you will not be blindsided by their actions.

Even if you are wrong, there can be some benefit to being prepared.  It’s unlikely their narcissistic traits will simply stop, so staying alert and mindful can go a long way to mitigating any potential damage in the future.

Take a Step Back

There can be a lot of societal pressure to maintain family relationships, but these relationships may do more bad than good. Spend some time considering the prospect of limiting contact if necessary. In some cases ending the relationship may be the only helpful option. 

I am sure it is apparent to you that these suggestions are easier said than done.  I know it can be so challenging to deal with a narcissistic parent on your own and you seem to have both parents to deal with, so I do encourage you to reach out to a therapist for support and guidance in navigating through this. Finding the support from an experienced professional therapist – someone who is committed to helping you - will be a great support for you as you navigate setting up some needed boundaries and being there for you.

I wish you luck with your next step in finding the right support for you. 

Best Wishes,

Gaynor