What to do when family members hurt you?

Being hurt by family members is especially painful because of cultural beliefs we hold about how a family should be there for us unconditionally. A long-shared history with family members may give them an endless supply of ammunition to tease you about, and what starts as lighthearted teasing can become hurtful quickly. Because we’re interdependent on our family members, this can add a layer of hurt. We’re emotionally invested in one another and sometimes need things from our families, which makes hurtful behaviors they may commit even more painful.

Some acts may be hurtful, and others may amount to abusive behavior. Abusive behaviors within families may be:

• These are behaviors like dominating, insults, destructive criticism, arguing, lying, efforts to control family members.
• Neglectful behaviors may look like ignoring or not paying attention to one another, withholding affection with the attention of harming or ‘punishing’ someone within the family.
• Physical harm and sexual abuse fall within this category.

Acknowledging your feelings about the situation with your family member is important and can help you determine what action may be best to take. When there are cases of family hurt, sometimes the family may disregard your feelings or interpretation of the issues, which makes acknowledging what happened and how you feel about it to yourself especially important.

Setting boundaries is another helpful practice, and it isn’t always a matter of simply deciding what you want or will tolerate and communicating that. Boundaries involve identification, action, and constant reinforcement. To identify boundaries, try thinking about what commentary or actions cause you the most upset. These are places you may need some boundaries. Boundary action also means owning your response to upsetting situations and learning behaviors helpful to boundary reinforcement.

Each situation is different, and each family is different. For this reason, visiting with an unbiased third party is a good way to sort your emotions and thoughts about ongoing family difficulties and create a clear plan for coping with the pain involved and how to handle future situations. Friends and family may love you and care about you, but they often have a stake in what choices you make, meaning they may be affected. Talking with a therapist can help you learn assertive communication skills, identify and set healthy boundaries, and support yourself through difficult family situations.