Where does friendship start?

According to ‘Waiting and Dating’ by Dr. Myles Munroe, there are five stages of friendship development: stranger, acquaintance, casual friend, close friend, and intimate friend.

The stranger is the lowest stage and also the most important. The birth and progression of a friendship are dependent upon the first impression a person makes on another. If it is a bad impression, then chances are it will not develop. If it is a good impression, then the chances are it will develop. A good impression will lead to continued interaction, which opens the doors to the next stage in the process.

The acquaintance stage happens with occasional interactions that you experience with a person. You might know each other in the social and business aspect of each other's lives but do not know each other personally. 

The casual friend stage is when people are personally invested in each other; they are aware of each other's achievements and give praise and support. However, they are not emotionally invested in each other. This is the stage most people make it to.

Obviously, making it to the close friend and intimate friend stage takes more time, shared experiences, and vulnerability.

We become friends with the people we cross paths with regularly – coworkers, classmates, people we run into at the gym or church - because we have things in common with them. We live, work or hang out at the same places. To go from acquaintance to friend, the two have to start sharing the details of their personal lives. Opening up about yourself and being vulnerable opens the door for friendship. In the early stages, one person will risk disclosing personal information with the hopes the other person will do the same. If they do - a friendship begins. Friendships start with proximity, vulnerability, and the ability to validate our social identity.

For example, guys who value their identity as high school football stars are likely to call a former teammate their “best friend.” And single mothers who take their kids to the same daycare facility may become close because they understand what the other is going through, having to raise kids on their own. Basically, we stick with people who support our social identity and withdraw from those who don’t.

When our lives change over time, our friends often do, too. If you’re on a career track, you may pull away from a friend who found more value in raising her family. You don’t have the same social identity anymore, so that the bond may weaken.

So even though we think we love our friends because of who they are, we actually love them because they support who we are.