How do I stop getting emotional around the idea of death and dying

Hi JJ, thank you so much for your question.

It sounds like unfortunately you have experienced lots of loss in your life, starting from very early in childhood. You mentioned that you had to stop attending funerals because the idea of them made you extremely emotional. I'm reading that you are hoping to get over the Post Traumatic Stress in regards to loss, which I totally understand.

I'd like to provide you a little psychoeducation on grief and loss to get started with your understanding of what the healing process might look like. Understanding the dynamic of grief can be a great benefit to helping you cope through the losses, and work towards acceptance.

Something important to note about the grief stages is, they do not happen linearly. Most likely you will notice yourself bouncing back from stage to stage. You might notice yourself being in denial one moment, anger the next, and then acceptance before going back to depression. That is ALL normal and there is no timeline for the grieving process.

Another common misconception about grief is that to be fully healed we will somehow never think or talk about loved ones or the loss ever again. This could not be farther from the truth. Grief does not end up "going away" to be healed. In fact, grief is ALWAYS present, what happens is we begin to build a life around the grief, and learn to carry on the legacy of our loved ones and create meaning in our loss over time with consistent efforts towards processing the emotions coming up.

• The first stage of grief is usually referred to as "Denial or Isolation". In this stage of the grieving process, it is natural to reject the idea that the loss is reality. You might notice during this phase that when others try to comfort you, it feels uncomfortable because it forces you to bring the loss to reality. You might also notice yourself picking up the phone trying to call your loved one, or forgetting that they won't be walking through the door on any given day.
• The second stage of grief is anger. Anger typically comes about when it is no longer an option to live in denial. You might feel it is unfair you have experienced the immense amount of loss you have experienced, and look at others wondering why they do not have similar suffering. You might ask what you did to deserve the amount of loss you experienced. These are all very normal parts of the anger stage.
• The third stage of grief is called bargaining. In this stage, we may seek to change the circumstances of the situation causing your grief. As an example, someone might try to negotiate with a higer power or God to keep someone alive during the grieving process. Bargaining helps the grieving person cope and feel a sense of control when the grieving process typically feels very uncertain and helpless at times.
• The fourth stage of grief is depression. During this stage, you might begin to feel the weight and heaviness of the loss. You might find it difficult to move forward with everyday tasks including getting motivated to get up and get to work, or other responsibilities. There is a fine line between depression from grief, and clincial depression. This is something I would recommend talking more with a licensed professional about if you are experiencing immense moments of sadness, to see if the root cause is the loss or something else and might need more medical attention.
• The final stage of grief is acceptance. Eventually, a grieving person will come to terms with the loss and come to a place of acceptance. As mentioned before, just because a grieving person has come to the acceptance stage, does not mean that waves of grief do not occur from time to time. Specifically during anniversaries, birthdays, reminders of the loss, etc. it is normal for grief to occur and sometimes for it to feel like no time has passed at all. 

The biggest task of coming to acceptance with grief, is trying to find a sense of meaning in the loss. A good example of this is when the organization MADD was created (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers). A mother who experienced immense grief loosing her daughter over a drunk driver eventually was able to channel these feelings into creating an organization to ensure that other young drivers are not affected the same way that her daughter was. In turn, she has been able to help, support, and provide education to hundreds of thousands of people, and carry on the legacy of her daughter in a meaningful way.

Finding meaning is another stage of grief that has recently been added to the grief cycle, which is important for finding full healing. Although your experience with finding meaning might not be on such a global scale, even keeping the memory alive of your loved one in your day to day activities is a great way to honor their legacies.

Maybe there is a specific characteristic or trait about your loved ones you hope to embody. Maybe there is a specific tradition, recipe, or occassion they enjoyed celebrating that you plan to take on in their honor or memory. Maybe just talking about your loved one, or looking at pictures with other family members also going through the grief process could be helpful. Try to think of ways to honor the losses in your life. Do not avoid talking about your loved ones who you have lost.

Because you mentioned having some PTSD symptoms, I also wonder if your grief has become complicated over time due to the amount of loss you have experienced. I would recommend you seeking counseling with a licensed professional to work through your individual grief journey, and learn more about a particular diagnosis if that is something you are interested in.

Taking the first step is usually the most challenging. I wish you best of luck in your healing journey.