How to process situations realistically?

Self-sabotaging can definitely get in the way of us enjoying things in our lives. Sometimes we may feel like even when things are going well, that it's too good to be true or that we don't deserve it. Things may be calm in our lives and that may feel like it won't last for long. Thus, it can lead us to do things that will not allow us to enjoy it. Sometimes this can stem from earlier times in our lives where perhaps we didn't feel deserving or where things go badly for us. Also, if people have made us believe that we are not deserving of good things then it can lead us to believe it and to have low self-esteem or not feel so great about ourselves.

Self-sabotaging can also be a coping mechanism to protect ourselves. If our internal thoughts consist of something like: I do not deserve to be loved by others. Then we may do something to disrupt the peace. For example, being in a relationship that practices effective communication and feelings of safety is not necessarily comfortable for everyone to experience. If we are not accustomed to that type of relationship, we start a fight so that there is some disruption of the peace. And this will then lead us to feel sad or remind us that we cannot be happy... when we in fact may have caused the tension in the relationship. And something that was not an issue may somehow become a new issue. So being uncomfortable with calmness can definitely cause one to self-sabotage. 

Now when we are dealing with self-sabotage and grief, we can see how this combination can cause heavy levels of stress. Losing something or someone that meant something to us can be intense as it can take some time for us to heal. Grief is an individual process that takes time and is unique to each person. Because there is no right or wrong way to grieve, it's important to embrace the process and allow it to take its course. And feeling a certain way about what happened is valid and understandable. It can feel extra stressful especially if we blame ourselves in any way for the loss. So it's extra important that we process our feelings as it can help decrease intense feelings and negative thoughts. But as a reminder, this can take time. But reframing some of these thoughts can be quite helpful. For instance, "I am at fault for the break-up," is an unhelpful, but also inaccurate thought. Instead, we can say, "Even though I tried my best to make the relationship work and made some mistakes, the break-up was something that was bound to happen if my partner is not willing to meet me halfway." It may take some time to get here, but it can be quite helpful to reframe to some constructive and helpful thinking. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. But one mistake doesn't define who we are or what we deserve. Just something to consider or keep in mind.

After all, feeling mad or sad when you are grieving is a very normal feeling. The stages of grief consist of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These do not necessarily go in any order, but can definitely play a role on how we feel throughout the day. Being in tune and aware of these feelings can help us process them and move forward. Also, learning to express these feelings in a way can help us feel more in control of our emotions. This can allow us to feel more at ease and less stressed about situations in our lives. Through self-exploration, we can figure out what this looks like for all of us, but it can vary from person to person. So just something for us to find ways to explore these feelings throughout our healing journey.

There are some great self-care resources out there that may be helpful to consider, such as: 

1) Practical Guides for Grief: https://onedrive.live.com/view.aspx?resid=14F2075C7B009CE8!2371&ithint=file%2cdocx&authkey=!AN0JCjBcC8iASr0

2) Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Catitorrie, PhD

3) The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. Jamews and Russell Friedman 

If you still feel like you need additional support, you're welcome to look into starting your own individual counseling services to discuss grief and the negative thoughts. I would also consider joining a grief support group as they can be quite helpful to speak to others about feelings of grief. Best of luck to you with everything on your journey to heal.