I don't know my purpose in life anymore, how can I find it?

Hello HelpMe, 

I am genuinely sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. You lost your best friend, partner, lover, and another half, and you usually feel a sense of loss and a lack of purpose as you have to "manage" without him. I used the word "manage" because it is not the same as operating at your average level of functioning. I will not give your trite advice and insult your intelligence with cliches; however, I will provide you with a road map to survive him and move forward despite the pain you are experiencing.

I want to encourage you to vent your feelings and speak about your pain. It will help you process the loss, and it is okay to let out your emotions. One technique that would help you is to journal, which is very cathartic. Don't judge what you write, don't edit it, and don't pay attention to the grammar or syntax. It is not about writing something that is going to be for someone else to read. It is for you to evacuate your pain. I recommend you do it with a pen and paper as writing has a more profound connection than typing. I don't know how young your husband and regardless of his age, his departure feels unfair. We are never ready to say goodbye to people we love.

Don't isolate yourself even if you don't feel that you will be good company. Going back into the world is helpful and will allow you to maintain touch with loved ones and friends. If there is a time when people will accept that someone doesn't feel at their best and need support, it is right after the loss of a loved one. It is perfectly okay to show your authentic self; you don't have to contain other people's feelings and make accommodations for them. Your friends and family will understand and if someone tells you to get over it quickly, let them know that you need the time to deal with your grief. The important people in your life will probably want to give you space to deal with your pain and often will struggle to reach out. They most certainly will welcome the ability to help and support you.

A famous psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed a model based on her research with people dying in the five stages, which was later adapted to dealing with grief. She identified five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.) This model is used when dealing with grief because individuals like you who experience a loss often go through the same stages. I must point out that there is no set order to go through the stages, as you might go back and forth between the scenes until you fully process and accept the pain. Also, you might never heal totally from the loss, but you can learn to adapt to it and function. This is why I used the word "Managing." You will learn to manage the pain and live with it. 

So your question is how to develop a purpose to live when your spouse dies. I have one question: who were you before you met and married your husband? You need to remember the person you were without to redevelop agency over your life despite his absence. 

I also must talk about the elephant in the room, which is the guilt one feels after surviving a loved one. I, too, lost many people dear to me and accepting to live and laugh without them felt like I was betraying their memories. How could I laugh when they were not here to laugh with me. I felt humiliated for allowing myself to be happy even for one second after their death. 

So here are my advice to regain a sense of purpose:

1. Start doing everything in your life in memory of your husband. Whether you are making the bed, cooking, cleaning, watching TV, etc... do it intentionally and think about how he would be pleased with you and feel honored that you are being present with his memory. I particularly enjoyed doing things my late father used to do while thinking of him, and it was a way for me to connect with him even though he was no longer physically present. 
2. Seek to be grateful for the things that are in your life. Find things to be thankful for: your home, your pet, your friends, your family, your garden, a rainbow, the sunshine, etc. Taking the time and being present with things you are thankful for will help you feel good. Happiness is a muscle; the more you wire your brain to feel appreciative, the easier it becomes. 
3. I recommend that you place yourself in the service of others. There is no better way to feel good about oneself than to give others time and kindness. You might not be ready right now; however, there will be a time when you will find an activity that places you in a position to help. Giving a gift makes one feel good, but giving is ten times more powerful. 
4. I suggest you seek out a group of widowers to speak to about your experience. Many clinical and non-clinical groups meet weekly to discuss living without your spouse. There are many different formats; some are religious, others secular, and not one group can be the answer for everyone, so I suggest attending a few to figure out which one is right for you. 
5. I highly recommend starting therapy to help you process your pain under the supervision of a licensed psychotherapist. You might be feeling vulnerable and afraid of sharing your anger, sadness, frustration, pain, etc... Licensed psychotherapists are trained and qualified to accompany you on this journey. You will be able to develop goals and learn skills to survive and eventually thrive. 
6. If you are religious and a member of a particular faith (Christian, Jewish, Muslim, etc...) It will help you connect with your community and feel supported in your congregation. You can also ask for prayers, words of encouragement, support, and even visit other people to help deal with the loneliness and pain. 
7. It will help you keep a calendar and mark special occasions that were significant to your husband and you. You can commemorate them in honor of your late spouse or plan an activity to change your mind. Whatever you do, don't try to pretend that the special day is not happening. It is okay for you to stay home and mourn; however, I recommend you surround yourself with love, including your friends and family, during these times. One of my dear friends lost her husband, and the following year, we went to a restaurant to remember him on his birthday. It was bitter-sweet; however, it was an excellent way to keep him alive in our lives and to be in touch with his memory. 
8. Let's talk about physical and emotional health. What tools do you have to cope with sadness? Starting a physical activity, whether walking, swimming, yoga, or going to a Zumba class, will help you stay in your body. Be mindful to eat three meals a day if you tend to stop eating when you are feeling sad or overeating to cope. 
9. If you don't have a pet, I recommend that you adopt a cat or a dog to care for as they make excellent companions and provide unconditional love. 

You probably have many reasons to live, which may not be apparent to you now. I understand your suffering, and I want to reiterate the importance of processing your feelings (all of them.)

I would very much like to work with you, and I hope you will choose me to be your therapist. 

If you need additional help, don't hesitate to ask another question.