I need help coping with a break up

Hey CW! Thanks so much for sharing your question!

First off I wanna say I'm so sorry for your loss. It is easy to misunderstand grief that it doesn't just happen when somebody passes away but also when any loss occurs such as a break up, move, changing job, or other pivotal changes in our life we tend to also go through similar grief phases.

This could be a really beneficial time to stop and take inventory of your needs and also learn more about the type of love you're looking for as well as the type of love you were giving.

Learning more about the grief stages can be helpful. First off I want to say that grief does not happen in a linear manner meaning that you likely will go through waves of grief where one day you will be feeling acceptance, the next sadness, the next bargaining, and then you might be back to a stage of denial in shock. This is all very normal and something to expect during the upcoming stages of grief.

it is important to try and honor the grief waves when they come up so that your grief does not become complicated. One of the hardest parts about a break up is going to be unraveling the memories associated with the loss, the future plans you had together, and saying goodbye to the future you had outlined with your previous partner.

Something that might be helpful is thinking about writing a goodbye letter to your ex. Thinking more about the lessons learned, good and bad times, and also taking time to feel grateful for the opportunity to be able to have a relationship with your ex. Even though things are likely very hurtful right now it is important to acknowledge all that we have gained from our experiences.

Another thing that can be helpful during this time is learning more about your attachment style. Or attachment style is something that is derived from childhood and the first relationship we have with the primary caregiver in our life. Maybe that was a mother, father, grandmother, or other person that was meaningful and did the majority of your caretaking in childhood.

We learn from a very early age to either trust people or that we cannot depend on people we should based on inconsistencies in our caregiving in these pivotal first years of life. There are a number of insecure attachment styles that can lead to difficulties in adult relationships such as fear of abandonment, difficulties with setting boundaries, codependent behaviors and dynamics, and other pivotal behavior difficulties that can cause problems in your future relationships.

Working with a counselor to understand what your attachment style is can be a really good way to heal from your past relationship and also prepare for a successful one in the future. Although we cannot go back and change that first relationship, we can learn how to set up healthy boundaries, learn healthy communication skills, and learn how to move towards a more secure attachment with the help of an experienced counselor.

Another thing a counselor might be able to help you with setting up a healthy self care regimen. Likely it will be important to take good care of yourself and be gentle during this first stages of the grieving process. Checking in with your emotions, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally during this time is going to be really important so your grief does not become complicated long-term.

Your counselor can help you set up healthy habits, daily rituals, and troubleshoot any barriers you have had to taking care of yourself and incorporating self-care into your routine in the past. By improving the relationship with yourself you are also helping future you be a better partner when you are ready to start dating again.

Taking steps to begin counseling can be very scary. It is incredibly vulnerable to share your deepest darkest secrets and emotions with a complete stranger, however, BetterHelp makes it easy to find the right fit for you. It is vulnerable and brave to sign up for services for your mental health!

It is hard to make a commitment to mental health and yourself but remember that you took a big step today asking this question so keep the momentum going and give yourself the gift of healing! I wish you best of luck in your healing journey! You got this!!