I'm having a hard time dealing with my current situation. I really don't know what else to do.

Hi Andrew,

I am glad that you reached out and know it is not always easy to do so.  I am sorry to hear of the loss you have suffered.  Intense grief over losing loved ones, especially when it is unexpected, is natural and don’t let anyone think you are unusual for feeling this way.  I can understand how your step-father’s recent passing would have brought up past feelings and emotions of the loss of your biological father.  I am curious to know if you ever received any grief counseling for your father’s death, and if you are considering it now? 

You may want to look up some information on the different stages of grief, which include anger, denial, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance.  It is common to move in and out of these different stages.  Depression is a natural response to grief and may be combined with low energy and motivation.  Think of what self-care practices you can try during this period of time that will help you.  For example, you may want to seek out some creature comforts or pampering like a massage.  Try to also engage in an activity you truly enjoy and get lost in it.  You may also benefit from relaxation skill, like a calming guided meditation, deep-breathing, or imagery of a relaxing scene, maybe even one that includes your loved ones in a new happy place.  You can also try creating a mantra for yourself such as “I can get through this.”  Whatever you do, you don’t want to avoid your feelings.  Emotions need to be expressed, and journaling thoughts and feelings is one way to do so.  Or doing something physical to get them out, even if it is a good cry or a shout.

Of course having a support system is critical, too.  If you feel like you can’t go to your wife, maybe others in your life could be people to lean on.   Seeking out the support of a professional may also be beneficial, whether in the form of individual therapy or a grief support group.  Hopefully things between you and your spouse can improve soon; she may even decide to join you in some of the sessions.  If you decide to seek out a therapist, there are many qualified providers on BetterHelp who I am confident would be happy to work with you.  You would also have access to a Journal feature, and live Groupinars.  There recently was one presentation on the specific topic of grief and loss, so that may be scheduled again.  There is also a good amount of literature published on the topics, including the below books that might be of interest to you:

Joan Didion: Blue Nights & The Year of Magical Thinking

Megan Devine: It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand

Lucy Hone: Resilient Grieving: Finding Strength & Embracing Life After a Loss That Changes Everything

Janice Harris Lord: No Time for Goodbyes

The latter is particularly a good one for sudden death, and includes some chapters that might more specifically relate to your situation. I hope that you begin to feel better soon, but the grieving process does take time.  Please take care of yourself and should you decide to seek out counseling on the BetterHelp platform, there are many qualified clinicians who could be a good fit for you.  I myself do not specialize in providing grief counseling, but that is a criteria you can search for through the app/site and seek out the help of the Customer Success Team for assistance.

Take care,

Alicia