Life shattered and no one around. How to be happy again?

Dear Ale,

I am so deeply sorry for the losses that you have experienced in such a short amount of time.  You were hit so hard with the loss of your young relative but you were not given the time and space to even touch that deep wound because of the awful way that your fiance broke up with you in that deep painful grief.  Because of that horrible break up, you were not given the time and space to really sit with the thoughts, feelings and reality of losing your young relative in a tragic way.  That emotion is, no doubt, stirring in your body, along with the deep pains of the horrific way that your fiancee broke up with you and the reality of how your mother has treated you in the past and present.  

Your body is telling you all of these deep painful realities through emotional distress and doubting reality, intense panic attacks, mentally fragile, being in pain and deeply unhappy.  

I am glad that you are reaching out for some guidance as to what to do next.  

First of all, please know that you will move through this one small step at a time. It may not feel that way some days or all days right now because of the depth of emotional pain.  And in time, you will move through and come to a different place in your life in the future. 

Secondly, it makes sense why you are in such deep pain and struggling to move through it.  You were happy with your intimate partner.  Your life was stable, you had a job.  You trusted your mother's intentions towards you.  You still have your connection with your young relative. And when even one of those things are shattered or changed drastically, it is deeply painful.  But you have had all of them change deeply.  That hurts so much.  So know that how your body has responded to this reality is very normal.  You are going to suffer some deep emotional distress because of this pain and real life realities and struggles. 

Third, you are asking what to do next in order to move towards happiness.  You are going to have to go through a season of grieving and struggling with those deep painful feelings until you are going to land in happiness again.  That is normal and part of the journey of having to move through such deep pain such as yours.  And that is not bad or wrong or something that has to hold you down.  You can seek to find small tiny glimpses of beauty while you are also hurting deeply.  

So, to answer that question of "How to be happy again?"

1. I want to point out that moving towards happy is a matter of being with, embracing and seeking to let the unhappy realities be a part of the right now.  You need to feel the depths of pain that you are feeling.  And in that, seeking to then comfort and be compassionate towards your pain.  How do you do with feeling the pain that you have right now?  Do you allow the tears to come when they want to come?  Do you let out the screams of anger, rage and deep disappointment? Do you punch your pillow when the energy of the reality of your situation wants to come out of you?  Are you holding all that in? 

In order to move towards happiness, you have to move through the sad, hurt, angry, shock, confusion, struggle and then you will have moments of happiness, like you have had in the past.  

So how are you doing with embracing and feeling the hard, heavy and painful emotions?

THEN, in those emotions, we need to have compassion and care.  Just like if someone you care about was hurting, you would seek to show them deep and caring compassion.  You would bring them some soup.  You would lend them a listening ear.  You would sit by them and show compassion by your face and time.  So, you need to do that for yourself.  You need to wrap yourself up in a blanket when you need to cry.  You need to make yourself a nice warm cup of tea when your emotions are heavy and painful.  You need to light a candle to honor the pain that you are feeling.  

How are you doing with showing compassion and care for your pain?

2. In order to do our pain well, we have to have others in our spaces to witness our pain.  You had said that you are deeply alone because of the break up, realizing your mother's usual reactions to you.  So I would invite you to reach out to people that can hold space for your pain.  If you are struggling to think of someone, you can also reach out to support groups.  You can find these on facebook, other social media venues.  You can find them at medical clinics and community centers.  Find a place where you can sit with your grief with others who are willing to just be with you.  

3. Lastly, I would encourage you to seek out therapy if you are not feeling a sense of positive forward movement with the above steps on your own for a few weeks.  If you are doing the above things but not seeing yourself have some forward traction in a few weeks, please reach out for some counseling for grief and loss as well as learning how to set and keep wise boundaries with your mother and any one else that shows unhealthy interpersonal actions with you.  Please know that one of the biggest predictors of change in therapy is when the clients feels connected to their therapist and feels they have a good relationship.  So please make sure that you are feeling connected to your therapist. 

I wish you the best of luck.  I hope you can seek to care well for yourself during this season of loss and pain.  

I am proud of you for reaching out for some guidance and I hope that it was helpful!
Paula