Should I wait to start therapy?

Hello Maggie ... thank you for your message and your question.

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am that you lost your dad. Losing someone you love has to be the hardest thing imaginable to handle. It is a very helpless feeling. Empty. Sad. Powerless. And more. People can say all kinds of things that they are hoping will be helpful -- you know, like when they say "He is in a better place" -- but the bottom line is that there are no words ever that will make that pain go away. Over time, we learn to navigate our lives around that pain but it never entirely goes away. It is the price of loving people. There are no "rules" for how to feel, act, grieve, or whatever you want to call it after losing someone you love. The fact that your loss happened unexpectedly added another layer of emotion to this loss. You didn't even see it coming so it was a shock and a loss all wrapped up into one event. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself as you move through this period of adjustment. Don't be surprised if you have good days when you feel like you have your feet planted and then not such great days when you feel like you are spinning out. You will have both of those days and probably many variations of those days. It is pretty normal to have all kinds of feelings. I would hope that you would not judge your feelings. Many people judge their feelings. They say things like "I should be able to handle this better" or "I don't know why I am so angry" or some other self-judgment. Judging yourself for feeling whatever you are feeling is not helpful. Feelings are normal and the kindest thing you can do for yourself is no doubt what you would do for your best friend -- be supportive, kind, compassionate.

You could be experiencing some emotions around the fact that you were traveling with your job and were not there when your dad passed. Again, be compassionate towards yourself. You had no way of knowing that this was going to happen. 

You mentioned that you experienced some type of traumatic event a few years ago. Our bodies keep kind of a "record" of these events and react automatically to "cues" in the environment that we are not safe. Sometimes -- many times -- those cues are not really signals of danger but that is how our bodies perceive the cues after some kind of traumatic event. This is why you have experienced anxiety following the event 3 years ago. Now, with the loss of your dad, your body could respond to more cues. It would be very helpful to learn some mindfulness techniques which are the most helpful techniques to deal with anxiety and panic. Remember, the actual feelings of anxiety and panic are one hundred percent normal and valid. They are uncomfortable and sometimes they are the result of our misperception of what is going on around us. But they are real and knowing how to respond to those feelings can be so valuable. Whether you consult with a therapist or not, learn some mindfulness skills such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga, the 54321 technique, or any of the DBT skills. You can Google mindfulness and/or DBT skills and find an array of things you can do to help yourself.

Now, as far as your question about seeing a counselor to help you navigate this process ..... again there are no rules. Counseling, in my opinion, is something that all of us can benefit from at just about any point in our lives. The good times, the bad times, and all the times in-between. Sometimes, it just helps to have a sounding board -- someone who will listen to your thoughts and feelings without judgment or even any suggestions. A lot of times people know exactly what they need to do but don't realize it until they say it out loud to someone else. Other times, a counselor can provide some perspectives that are different than the ones a person currently holds that will make things easier for them to accept. When you start counseling -- if at all -- is a very personal choice. If you are open to the idea of allowing another person to walk with you through this difficult journey, then there is no reason not to start right away. Starting right away might help you prepare for more difficult challenges along the way. I guess if I had to make a choice myself, I would choose to start sooner than later. It helps to have made that connection with someone we trust so that we are already familiar with this person (the counselor) when the bad and worse days roll around. When we are experiencing a particularly hard day, it makes things even more difficult if we are trying to explain from the beginning why we are feeling so bad. It helps to have someone who already knows the backstory and can help us with very little prompting.

In the meantime, there are some other things that you could do that might help you with the grieving process. Finding ways to honor your dad might help. Some ideas include creating a memory book, painting small rocks that have cheerful greetings or colors that you place on your dad's gravesite, doing volunteer work at a place that is a reflection of your dad's values, or just having little converations with your dad.

I hope that this has been somewhat helpful. I know this is hard. I lost my daughter six years ago and I am still learning how to navigate life without her. Be patient and be kind to yourself. 

Judi