Where does grief come from?

Grief is a completely normal and natural response to change in one’s life.  We often think of grief as particularly related to the loss of a loved one, but grief can arise due to any change.  If you think about change, there are always components of a loss.  Even positive changes, such as getting married, bring losses: loss of one’s single life, sometimes loss of one’s place of living (if moving in with your partner for the first time), etc.  Of course, there are gains, but the grief component of positive changes is often overlooked.

Grief is an emotional acknowledgment that something is different.  Grief can also have different levels of intensity depending on who or what we are grieving.  We can grieve the loss of a family member with whom we didn’t have a close relationship, and we can grieve the loss of someone who meant a great deal to us.  Often, grief becomes “complex” when multiple losses happen in succession, resulting in a person not having enough time to process the complicated emotions of grief.

Historically, grief was thought to occur in stages. Still, I like to think of the grieving process as a spiral staircase…that we might go through many different emotions as we grieve. We go forward or up the staircase, and while we may be experiencing sadness again, we are not regressing or “moving backward” as some people often fear.  Each time we experience a familiar emotion related to grief, we often see things differently. 

The important thing to remember with grief is a normal and natural response to a loss.  We often have a lot of compassion for grief when other people are experiencing it but tend to be afraid of how long it will last when it is something we are going through.  Grief can be processed by allowing you to feel whatever emotions are present and turn toward yourself with compassion and support.  Therapy can be an amazing way to give yourself the time, space, and support to process these emotions.