How Does Guilt Affect Relationships?

While an unpleasant feeling, guilt can help us be better partners in a relationship in some situations. For example, if we feel guilty after being inconsiderate to a partner, that may help us be more considerate in the future. However, when guilt is unjustified or provoking guilt is used as a manipulation tool by one partner, a sense of guilt can lead one or both partners to feel that they are inadequate in the relationship and make it seem that they can never satisfy his partner.

Because guilt can be so uncomfortable, a person experiencing guilt may become defensive, inciting arguments with their partner. Or, a person experiencing guilt may shut down, feeling that he cannot appease his partner. Someone experiencing guilt may become passive-aggressive; they may resort to unhealthy behaviors such as substance use to ignore the guilt. Just as guilt can be a motivator to strive to be an ideal partner, it can also cause one to continue to make choices that harm the relationship (which can, in turn, lead to even more guilt).

Whether guilt has a positive or negative effect on the relationship can depend on how open each partner is with their feelings and how they are affected by what circumstances have taken place. Taking personal responsibility, admitting one’s wrongdoings, and asking for forgiveness can demonstrate regret and a desire to make more respectful choices of the other partner’s feelings, but doing so can require humility and self-awareness.

When there is guilt in the relationship, there is a risk of blaming one another or making excuses for whatever behaviors occur. There is also a risk of seeking revenge and gaining a sense of control that may have been lost along the way. Because individual people and couples cope differently with guilt, seeking professional help can allow partners a more comfortable experience to discuss their feelings and identify how they can move forward. Having a third-party perspective can also reduce finger-pointing and allow both partners to feel heard in their discussion.