What to Do with a Friend Who Guilt Trips You?

First, listen

Let’s say you and your friend ask to borrow money. You’ve loaned money to your friend in the past and had difficulty getting repaid, so you politely decline, only to be then guilt-tripped by your friend. For some people, the initial reaction may be shut down, yell, or passive-aggressive yourself (guilt-tripping is a passive-aggressive behavior). However, the best option may be to ask questions and listen. You can start by letting your friend know that you recognize that they are upset. For example, you could say, “It sounds like you’re disappointed” or “It sounds like you’re upset.” Since your friend is passive-aggressive, allowing your friend to be assertive can be helpful. Maybe your friend feels hurt or betrayed. Plus, the more you actively listen to your friend without judgment and interruption, the more likely your friend may listen to you. After your friend has spoken, it can be helpful to paraphrase back what you heard to show that you were listening. For example, you could say, “I understand you are feeling desperate at this time because bills will be due soon.”

Next, Be Assertive

After listening to your friend, use “I feel” statements to communicate how you are feeling. You may not owe your friend a long explanation, but you can provide a rationale for your decision if you feel it would be helpful for both of you. For example, with the above scenario, you could say, “I felt betrayed and hurt when it took so long to get you to pay me back the money last time, so I don’t feel comfortable loaning money right now. Please don’t ask me to do this anymore.” Being assertive is not about attacking the other person but rather about sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Maintain Boundaries

Your friend may appreciate that you were assertive with them—or your friend may become frustrated. It’s important to keep in mind that if this person truly is your friend, he will respect your boundaries even if they are disappointed with your response. If the person does not respect your boundaries, it will be important to continue to be assertive and not give in, and ultimately, you may need to set even more strict boundaries with this person.