Am i the problem?

Hi Sara! Thank you for your question. Of course, there is a lot that I do not know about you so it is really hard to say exactly where the problems are. It usually does not help to beat ourselves up as that just makes us feel worse. We can always work on improving behavior or changing behavior but it is hard to do that when one is using a very critical inner voice towards themselves. You know, we all have behaviors that maybe we don't understand or other people find annoying. Sometimes, we have behaviors that we believe would be helpful to change or drop altogether. On the other hand, sometimes other people want us to change in ways that we don't really want to change. So before you decide that you are the problem, consider some of the following ideas.

1. Core beliefs. Core beliefs are beliefs that we embrace as children. Since we are not born with thoughts and beliefs, we simply adopt whatever beliefs are taught to us by our caregivers. Sometimes these beliefs are healthy and sometimes, not so much. We also learn coping strategies as children. A child will learn to adapt to whatever the situation is in an effort to keep him/herself safe. Those beliefs and coping strategies follow us into adulthood and when we are stressed, we frequently revert to old beliefs and old coping strategies.

2. Values. Before you start thinking about what you might need to change about yourself, consider your values. What is  important to you. Perhaps your current lifestyle is not congruent with your values. This could be triggering a lot of emotional upset within you even if you don't realize where that upset is coming from. Identifying who you are and what is important to you will help you identify how you want to show up in the world. Your values can also provide a roadmap for what you want to do with your life -- at least in the near future. Our values can change over time so it is important to think in terms of the near future -- not ten or twenty years from now.

3. How you handle things. As mentioned before, we learn as kiddos different strategies for coping with our environment. We also learn from the people around us. We do what we see. So we have to be able to take a look at our behaviors and decide if this particular coping strategy is helpful or hurtful. If it is not very helpful, we can learn to replace that strategy with healthier strategies.

4. Who you surround yourself with. How we act and respond to situations is not just a reflection of what we learned to do as kiddos. Our behavior can also be a reflection of who we are surrounding ourselves with now. If your friend group or work group or any other group that you have frequent contact with is a very reactive kind of group, that energy that you feel from them is probably going to translate into reactive energy from you. 

5. How we think about things. Those core beliefs that were mentioned before give way to thinking patterns. Sometimes our thoughts are very self-destructive. They can sound like a critical voice living inside our head. The thing about thoughts is this -- thoughts are not facts. Just because you think something doesn't make it true. Just because someone else thinks something doesn't make it true. If we believe the negative things that we think, that will lead to painful feelings. We have to be able to catch ourselves and challenge the thinking.

6. Mindfulness. What helps people manage their strong feelings in a more productive way is mindfulness. There are a lot of mindfulness practices that you can learn and they don't have to take a lot of time or be difficult. These skills would be helpful for you to learn as you gain more insight about yourself, your ways of thinking, and your behaviors.

This is a very short summary of some of the things that would be good for you to think about. I hope you have found this to be somewhat helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my answer to your question.

Judi