Feeling very sad and hopeless. How can I help stop myself this way?

Hi Royce,

Welcome to BetterHelp! It is really positive you have taken the first step to getting help. I am Melissa Cooper, a licenced BACP psychotherapist. I am here to help you with your question.

Firstly, I really hear that there is a lot going on for you right now, and you would just like a rest from your feelings of sadness and hopelessness. You ask how you stop feeling a certain way, and there are loads of unhealthy ways to stop yourself from feeling certain emotions, but these will only help temporarily; and long-term these will only get worse unless you engage towards healthier ways, such as allowing yourself to feel what you are, acknowledging and accepting this. Below I share how you can see your emotions differently, and ways you can help manage your emotions.  

Seeing emotions differently

The first step is to accept your emotions as they are, in a new light. Emotional discomfort is a very normal universal human experience. Negative emotions such as sad and hopeless are part of being human. These emotions are not just common, natural, and OK, they are actually important and useful to us.

Our feelings tell us something – such as fear, an emotion really helpful for our survival, it lets us know when there is a threat to our safety or associated with a situation (before an exam). Physical sensations of fear (such as, breathing faster, feeling hot, sweaty) let us know that our body has gone into ‘fight or flight’ mode. This mode helps to prepare us to either face danger (e.g. the situation with exams, we may study like hell), or escape the danger (e.g. in a survival situation, where a gun is point at us or a wild animal is heading for us, we may run like hell from the gun or wild animal). In this sort of way, fear can a very good thing, otherwise, if we were really relaxed, didn’t study or try to run away from danger, we would have a huge problem.

Anger can also be helpful, it can put us into action to try to change things for the better, for both ourselves and others.

Sadness can be a tricky one when trying to think of its helpfulness. You may question how it can be helpful. One way of looking at it would be thinking this – what would it mean if we didn’t feel sadness? We tend to feel sad when we lose something important to us (a job, a person, affection or someone’s attention etc.). If we were not sad when we lost something, it would mean nothing was important to us. There would be no appreciation for the things or people in our lives. We may not even seek for connection with others. So sadness can help us to live a fulfilling life, because we have care, and are mindful about not wanting to lose them. 

Negative emotions are important to our survival, rather than something to be feared and avoided. Emotions are not permanent. Emotions act more like a wave, at times increasing and becoming more intense but eventually passing.

Your feelings are a part of you, and they are telling you something here. Take a moment to really reflect on – what are your emotions trying to tell you? What is their purpose?

Moving forward

You are going through a lot of changes, and it’s natural to feel the way you do.  Take it one step at a time. Start simple. There are ways to support yourself.

Acceptance

Accepting your emotions is not about having to like emotional discomfort, or reeling in negative emotions. Instead, acceptance is seeing the negative emotion for what it is and changing how you pay attention to the emotion. Reacting in an accepting way towards your emotion often changes the effect the emotion has on you. This approach can be referred to as watching your emotions ‘mindfully’. Practising mindfulness is a state of being where you are in the present moment, watching whatever you are experiencing at that time, and with an attitude of curiosity, not judging or trying to change your experience. Mindfulness not only helps acceptance, but it can also make change feel easier to navigate. If you are not sure where to start, you can google or type on youtube ‘Headspace, acceptance’ or ‘Headspace, accepting change’ – or mindfulness.

Do things you enjoy

One way we can stop ourselves from feeling sad is to engage in activities we enjoy. Spending time with friends or family, getting outside, drawing, dancing or reading are just some examples.

Be self-compassionate

Acknowledge that change is difficult for you. Change is hard. Remind yourself about your positive attributes. Each day start with at least one positive affirmation and end with at least reminding yourself what you are grateful for or a positive thing that happened that day.

Express yourself through writing

Journalling can really help to express and release your thoughts and emotions, feeling relief as a result.

Therapy

Therapy can help provide a non-judgmental space for you to explore your emotions, and understand yourself better. Therapy helps work on accepting your emotions, encouraging you to allow and experience your feelings. Engaging in activities that are active or soothing. Exploring healthier ways of coping, to not take your distress away but to make your distress more tolerable.

Whatever the cause for your feelings, if they don’t go away or are too much for you to cope with, you may need to make some changes and get some professional support. Do not hesitate to reach out here for support. I am here to help 😊

Overview

-  ~  See your emotions differently

-   ~ Practice acceptance, or if this is too difficult at the moment, start with being kind to yourself and doing things you enjoy

-  ~  Do not hesitate to reach out for support. I am here to help 😊