I stress out when people sometimes raise their voice at me and I just don't say anything.

Hi Robert,

The question you’re asking is about assertiveness, and it is a worthy subject to discuss. What it is, how to learn it, how to use it, when to use it, and why it may be more complicated than those of us who try to teach it realize and acknowledge.

You are describing an experience of listening to your gut and feeling that something is wrong. In the interaction you are describing and ones like it, where you have let something go, maybe that was at least partly because you didn’t know in that moment exactly what you would have said, how you would have addressed it. That is very valid. We are not born knowing these things.

Your instincts are telling you that you let the moment go by and tolerated a behavior that you should not have had to tolerate. For people who are uncomfortable with conflict, things like this can be a constant struggle. It becomes a question of whether something is important enough to make an issue of or minor enough to let it go. Only you can decide that. Even the most assertive person isn’t obligated to use that assertiveness in every situation. But how wonderful it is to have that skill when you need it.

The important thing is that you have identified something that did not feel right, and you want to handle it differently next time. Now one of the most valuable things you can do is prepare for “next time,” whenever that may come.

I’ve recently been talking to some of my clients about the idea of entitlement. It seems that word is used these days mostly in a negative way – to refer to people who feel too entitled, who present themselves as having rights that they do not extend to others.

My point is that people who have trouble speaking up for themselves need to feel MORE entitled. We’ve got an uneven distribution of entitlement around here, and it would be great to find a way to shift that.

Ask yourself:  What do you believe you are entitled to? Some possible answers might be:  to be treated with respect, to be spoken to in a civil manner, to occupy your own space in the world and take up as much room as you need to. Meaning you are entitled to not have to stifle yourself or hold back your feelings or reactions.

Here is a website with a good description of assertiveness training:

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/assertiveness-training/

I encourage you to scroll down and especially look at the infographics; they provide some concise but thorough descriptions.

There are some tried-and-true communication skills consistent with assertiveness, one of the best and most useful being “I messages.” The rule for using I messages is simple: When confronting someone about something that bothers you (such as when your friend raised his voice to you) you talk about yourself and how you are feeling first, and follow that with a description of the behavior you would like them to change.

So in a situation like the one with your friend, here are some examples of what you would NOT want to say:

“You are raising your voice to me.”

“You are yelling at me.”

“Stop yelling at me!”

Things like this immediately put the other person on the defensive. They take what could be a discussion and turn it into a conflict.

Here is a formula for using I messages:

“I feel_____________________________ when you ____________________.

I would like you to _______________________________________________.”

So you might say to your friend, “I feel uncomfortable when you speak loudly to me. I would like you to please lower your volume a little.”

And now for the piece I feel is often missing:

The key to standing up for yourself and what you are entitled to is preparation. And after you have some idea about what you are going to say, prepare once again that you will likely have to summon some courage to say it.

The reason I said earlier that assertiveness skills are more complicated than many of us acknowledge is this:  I know when I was younger and less assertive and was trying to learn these skills, what struck me is that it always felt easy and natural when I was reading the assertiveness book, or in the class, etc. They would give examples, and they often seemed like no-brainers. Of course Person A should tell Person B that their loud music is disrupting their sleep or Person C should tell Person D that they would appreciate if they stopped spreading gossip.

In that moment, it felt like it would be easy to ask others for such reasonable things. But then I would get out in the world and feel entirely unprepared to actually use these skills. Real life situations always felt trickier or more ambiguous. Was I complaining about something unreasonable? Would the person get mad? And what about the moment when I’d actually have to say it? I wasn’t Person A or Person B, I was me and it didn’t seem so simple or logical to stand up for myself.

So the final – but essential! – pieces of assertiveness training are time, practice, and patience with yourself.

Of course you don’t always know what situation is going to come up, so how can you prepare? Well, you can start by looking at past situations and choosing the words that would feel right if you were back there again. That increases the likelihood that when a similar situation comes up you will be more prepared than you have been in the past.

And when the moment comes to actually confront someone, it will probably feel awkward. You probably won’t feel like the people in the books who have every right to say what they’re saying.

But awkward is okay. One of my favorite quotes is: “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.” (Attributed to Maggie Kuhn.) The big secret is that it gets easier. The first time you speak up will probably be the hardest. But once you’ve done it, you will be a new person in some small way. That builds you up for the next time and the next time and the next time. It becomes more and more comfortable, and you begin to feel appropriately entitled to express yourself.

I hope this has been helpful.

Julie