Can counseling alone do an impact on my marriage and cause my husband to come back home?

Hi Coco,

Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time.  I am sorry to hear you are struggling and that you are experiencing all of this turmoil.  I will do my best to provide you some feedback into your situation and hope it is helpful to you.

If counseling is something you think will be beneficial for yourself then I urge you to move forward with it.  It can provide support to you, as well as unpack some of your feelings as you are going through this experience (and possibly others).  Therapy can also teach skills to help deal with a situation or situations.  There are also support groups, both in person and on line, that may be helpful to you with others in similar situations.

In marriage, or any relationship, both people have responsibility for how the relationship is moving forward whether it be in a healthy or unhealthy way.  I cannot tell you that you going to counseling alone will bring your husband back.  It sounds like there is some accountability he also needs to take if the relationship were to move forward.

There is something called The Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and write everything in your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control on the outside of the circle, what would fall where?  Your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviors would fall inside the circle.  Every other person, including your husband and his thoughts, feelings and behaviors would fall outside of the circle.  No one can make anyone want something they do not want.

You can focus on yourself and what you need.  It is important to be aware of your needs and wants and ensure you are also taking time to self-care.  Self care does not mean spending money, it can be time to yourself (maybe a long walk, a bath, etc.).  You can also focus on filing paperwork for child support and/or financial assistance.  You can try and talk to him or have the children talk to him about the children missing their father.

You asked about "getting out of this mess."  Both people involved have to want to find a way to move forward together or move forward apart.  Regardless, I encourage you to focus on yourself and the children.  Your husband is meeting needs that he has (and he may be meeting them in unhealthy ways), however, that is out of your control.

I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.