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dating issues

I have been dating this man for 6 months. he asked me to be exclusive within a month and i said yes. he is amazing in every way and he has been saying i love you since the beginning. unfortunately i found out that he has had a relationship with this woman in another state. they are not dating anymore but he is telling her she is the only one he feels this way about and he is not dating and he is all alone and lonely. .. he is telling me that even though it's too soon he does want a future with me. the other woman seems to be hot and cold with her replies - yes i found texts on his ipad and he does not know.. he makes her think he has no one and not dating. . . am i being played? i developed strong feelings for him after he chased me and convinced me he wants to be my last one and he still does. he can find other women. so i don't understand
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Asked by DD
Relationships
Dating
Answered
01/26/2023

Hi DD,

Thank you for reaching out.  I am sorry to read you are confused and struggling during this.  I can see how it would be overwhelming as well.  I am glad you reached out for some additional support and I am hopeful what I write for you here is helpful.

I cannot tell you what to do with this gentleman.  What I can offer is some points to consider to help you make a decision if you want to continue with this relationship or change course.

Often, we have gut feelings for a reason.  What is your gut feeling telling you about this gentleman and the situation?

One of several things to consider is, in your opinion, is this relationship healthy?  You may want to make a list of elements that you want in a healthy relationship.  Some examples may be trust, respect, honesty and safety (meaning both physical and emotional safety).  Do you believe you can trust this man?  Is this person being respectful to you in his interactions?  Is this person being honest with you?  There are many other components you may want as well.  Some people look for strong communication, financial stability, feeling supported and important.  You may want to ask yourself what is it you are looking for in a relationship.

Sometimes people say actions speak louder than words.  Is he saying one thing to you and engaging in behavior that is sending you a different message?  If so, when he is confronted with the mixed messages, is he being honest with you when you challenge him?

I realize I am asking a lot of questions for you to consider and my intent is not to overwhelm you.  Based on what you have written in your message, it sounds as though he is sending mixed messages to both you and this other person.  I would be confused as well in your situation.  Another point to consider is him telling you he wants a future with you but it is too soon.  I am curious what his reasoning is for that--is it because he wants to explore other possibilities or is it something else?

I am hoping my response provided you with support and guidance.  I wish you the best in your journey and moving forward.

Best,

Erica

(LISW-CP, LCSW-C, LCSW)