Even though my relationship is bad for me, I find myself unable to break away and move on, why?

Hello LK, 

It isn't as uncommon as you think - some people stay in a relationship even though they say to themselves and perhaps even to their friends and family that they are extremely unhappy with the relationship. Some people are married, others are cohabiting or just stay together for many years and it seems their relationship is on life support. For you this seems to be the case.  You probably have declared you are unhappy with the way things are for a while now yet find yourself sticking it out - perhaps for too long now. 

Before we look into why people stay in relationships for longer than perhaps seems healthy.  I just want to mention a possible reason why your partner is behaving in the way he is, based on the fact that he is okay with things the way they are and when it comes to you suggesting a break up he comes closer and makes the effort.  Have you considered he is struggling with commitment?  He may have what we call an avoidant attachment.  That is something you may want to explore more in a counseling situation. 

You mention there is a child involved in this relationship. This could be a key factor in your case.  This might be an unspoken or spoken about situation that perhaps you need help (from friends, family or professional supports) with resolving so that all thoughts and emotions can be aired in a safe and calm place. 

Also, remember your relationship may not be all bad so you may be looking and listening g at the good times and dismissing the fact that he doesn't seem like he wants to make the commitment to you - for whatever reason - so you stay on this slow walking treadmill.   That is we make a shift in our priorities. For example, we notice they are generous but they are not thoughtful, you might come to value generosity more than thoughtfulness over the course of your relationship. 

Now let's get back to you.  I will share some of the reasons we find ourselves staying in unhealthy or unhappy relationships for longer than we should do.

1. Break up is too expensive: Not sure if this applies to you or not but thought I'd mention it. It maybe that you see 'expensive' in terms of investment.  You have invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship.  When we have invested a lot of time, effort and resources into a relationship many of us continue that investment even when it may not be the best for us; we are biased toward continuing in the relationship once we have invested in them. 
2. It is just too embarrassing and I don't want to be seen as a failure: I come across this reason for staying so often during my counseling sessions when working with individuals and couples. The shame attached with what is commonly referred to as 'relationship failure' is just unacceptable for some people, especially if they are surrounded by friends and family who appear to be in happy and successful romantic relationships.
3. There is no such thing as a successful relationship: I don't hear this reason as often as the previous reason but nonetheless it is sometimes a reason offered as a reason why some people prefer to stay in an unhappy partnership that they would actually prefer to end and call it a day.  It can be related to notions developed early in life from observations of one's family of difficulty knowing how to repair the bumps that happen in most (if not all) relationships. A client recently shared their belief that there was no such thing as a "successful relationship" and they do not exist and if others believe that then they are delusional. That is what may be considered as 'managing misery'.  
4. You don't deserve any better: Some people stay in an unhappy partnership simply because they have poor self worth or poor self esteem and simply do not feel worthy of anything better than they have right now.
5. You cannot set boundaries in your relationship: Basically you find it difficult to say what you want from the relationship and what the consequences of your boundaries will be if they are not followed. You do not feel equal or powerful enough to say what you want because maybe you are fearful of being on your own. 
6. Our emotions make the decisions - Love: When making relationship decisions we often rely on our emotions rather than relationship deliberation. For example, in the case of a bad relationship, your thoughts may be negative telling you that your partner is not good for you but your feelings may still be positive. You may continue to love your partner even though you consciously recognize that you are involved in unhealthy relationship. 
   
   

If you are in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship it can help to talk it out with your close and trusted friends or with you family members.

You might also want to consider reaching out to a professional relationship counselor - someone who will work on addressing what you both want from your relationship to see if your differences in direction and commitment for your future can be resolved. There may be a way forward for you both to be together but I do consider that you need some professional support from a relationship counselor because I think you might have already resolved it if you could.  

As you consider why you stay put in this situation also consider what challenges your partner may be facing (maybe burying his head, not sure?) in his life but is finding it difficult to talk about.  Maybe this is true for the both of you.

Remember, there is help for you at BetterHelp if that is what you consider is your next step to determine how to navigate your relationship.

I wish you much luck!

Kind Regards,

Gaynor