How attachment affects relationships?

What is attachment

Psychologist John Bowlby is the first attachment theorist, and he defines attachment as “a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”   Attachment theory defines attachment in 4 different ways. The healthiest being secure attachment while the others are anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.  These attachment styles affect the way we will relate to others throughout our lives.

How do these attachment styles affect relationships?

The gold standard, so to speak, is those that have a secure attachment.  This means that they can trust and depend on others to meet their needs and have a secure sense of the world.  People with secure attachments can have healthy and meaningful relationships.  Research shows us that around 56% of people in the world have a secure attachment.  The next highest attachment style is avoidant, with around 23% of people.  These people tend to be emotionally independent and feel that they do not rely on anyone else. When they are hurt, they tend to pull away from the relationship.  It is important to remember that just because these individuals act like they do not want to connect with people emotionally, they are scared to due to past neglect. The third style is anxious attachment.  These individuals tend to fall into relationships quickly.  They need a lot of reassurance in a relationship and can let their emotions get the best of them.  The least common is the disorganized style which is around 7% of people.  They want emotional closeness in relationships but also push people away.

How to work on your attachment style

The first key to working on your attachment style is awareness of what type you are.  There are many free quizzes on the internet that you can take to identify which you are.  With that awareness, you can work on your past childhood needs and take steps to become more securely attached. If you are in a relationship, it would be great for you and your partner to take the inventory and use it as a guide to help the both of you with your awareness and then take steps to move towards a more secure attachment.