How attraction happens?

Attraction refers to the involuntary feeling that one gets when they have an interest or pleasure directed towards someone or something. It’s the feeling that one experiences when it feels like being “drawn” to someone. It’s a hard concept for people to explain to one another, given that attraction can “feel” different from person to person. It’s even harder to define where attraction comes from, why it happens, and how it happens. One way to try and explain how attraction happens is to look at the different theories of why attraction happens.

The first thing to remember is that attraction is involuntary in nature. Just like most feelings, attraction is something that cannot be controlled. The response that one has to it might be deterred, or the feeling might fade once logic or other things are introjected into the situation. But, that initial “gut” feeling that happens when someone experiences attraction is out of their hands. Because of this, some people believe that attraction is purely biological and comes strictly from different biological factors such as hormones, pheromones, and evolutionary traits.

Some people believe that attraction is formed through social constructs and narratives. Society dictates what is seen as “ideal” in people (think about the covers of different fashion magazines through the years or even how Hollywood and TV influence this). This could be an ideal friend, an ideal lover, or an ideal partner. Society might inform a person through their lifespan what they should find “attractive” in the different relationships they form. These messages might subconsciously influence how a person goes about determining to whom they are attracted.

Then, there is the perspective that individuals formulate their own opinions of what they find attractive or desirable in people. This might rely heavily on a person’s past or history. Someone might feel more comfortable with people who share attributes or physical traits with those they grew up with or were close to during formative years of attachment. People might have different opinions or views on what they find “beautiful” that directly clash with biological or social constructs of what they “should” find beautiful.

The truth is, no matter what concept or theory makes the most sense, attraction happens simply because it happens. Because it is unconscious and outside of our control, the best thing that we can do is to be gentle and easy with ourselves during times when we experience it by not judging ourselves and accepting it as a normal part of the human experience.