How can I concentrate on myself?

I am so sorry that you’re experiencing this difficulty in your life right now. It will take time to adjust to this change. So first and foremost, do your best to be patient and compassionate with yourself. There is no timeline for healing. It will take as long as it takes. And that will look different for each individual person.

Your breakup is really recent. It’s incredibly fresh since it’s just been about a week. Don’t expect to get over it fast or as if it’s nothing. You might feel a range of emotions. And getting back to yourself, feeling more complete and more whole on your own, will take a little bit of work and some time.

You mention that you’re trying to still remain friends. Consider that maybe one day you two will be able to maintain a friendship. But now is perhaps not the time. And “time” is the word to focus on here.

Very few people can transition easily into an immediate friendship following a breakup. This does not mean being unkind. It does not mean you can’t be friends someday ahead. It just means that, when we’re freshly hurt and wounded, contact may likely just make things worse. And this notably means removing all traces of them from social media – their personal profiles and even any friends where information or photos might pop up (you can “mute” accounts if you don’t want to remove them). This will help you refocus on yourself and do the inner, personal work needed to get back to you.

It seems like you’ve both mutually agreed to end dating, so keeping some distance in this early phase is going to be helpful in order for you to both heal and to be complete. Stop communicating with him. Stop talking about him.

At first, you might want to vent a bit and get the emotions out. It’s normal and okay. Feel the emotions and let them out. Don’t let it all stay bottled up inside you. Talk with a friend or relative about the break-up, and/or do some journalling about it, but try to begin to taper that off and re-shift your conversations so they begin to become focused on other topics as this will help you with moving forward. Resist the urge to dwell. Take some time to reflect back, see what takeaways there might be. Consider what lessons the relationship left you with. There is probably some good as well as some bad. Go ahead and process it. Grieve the loss. You may feel happy one moment, then angry. It’s all okay and normal.

We want to let go of the past, namely the pain. But don’t skip “feeling” the emotions and reflecting on things. Wanting to move forward is good. Yet, we also benefit from slowing down a bit to deal with the hurts, the regrets, and all the emotions. Even if you were the one who initiated the breakup, this is a loss. And it’s a change in life. Reflect and process. Lean into it and lean on your friends and family. Talk to a therapist, too, if that feels right for you.

As you are stepping ahead into this new life, this new reality, take it slowly. There is no need to rush and no need to go overboard with building a new world. Relax and take your time. Slowly ease into this opportunity to rediscover yourself. Perhaps there are aspects of your life you’d like to recapture.

Sometimes when we are in relationships we may make sacrifices. Maybe you loved watching foreign films but your partner didn’t, so you watched them less. Now could be a time to delve back into anything you set aside. Consider any hobbies, interests, friendships or anything that perhaps took a backseat during your relationship. Anything that got diminished. What might you want to get back to? Anything that got neglected can be rekindled and will begin to help you remember who you are as an individual. Engage in a rediscovery process. Remember how you  loved ordering sushi, but then he never liked it very much so you gave it up? Well, maybe tonight you place an order – and you watch that film you’ve been dying to see.

And, too, what new things might you want to explore? Maybe you want to make some new friends. Is there a class you might be interested in taking? Want to try a new workout? Maybe there are some books you would like to read? How will you begin to fill your time and what new joys and adventures will become future memories for you? Push yourself a little to do something different, go a to a new place, and get away from the same old stuff.

Think about what the new future ahead of you might look like. Now is a time to begin crafting some new goals and new dreams. Are there places you’d like to explore? Anything you’d like to accomplish?

It will take time and distance to move on. And time to find yourself again.