How can I deal with neediness, codependency and jealousy at the same time? CBT?

Hi T!  I'm Maya Neal, one of the psychotherapists here on Better Help. I specialize in relationships.   I'm glad you reached out for some guidance, and I hope you'll consider joining the platform for some therapy.  

Absolutely, CBT is one of many types of therapies that could help you overcome all of the challenges you mention 'at the same time.'  such challenges are often related to low self esteem and anxiety, which are both fixable.  Couples therapy (which often includes some CBT) would be an excellent idea as well.  You can definitely work on the issues you mentioned in individual therapy too, but generally speaking the best way to handle relationship issues is in couples therapy. Couples therapy is very much an art, and is in my opinion usually best provided by therapists who are LMFT's like myself... licensed marriage and family therapists, since we have very specialized training in relationship dynamics.  

The nature of romantic love is that it is usually a rather possessive type of love.  This is because being in love is a powerful emotion that generates a lot of emotional and physical pleasure, and being in a relationship meets many needs for people and provides many benefits.  So naturally, people in love want to hang onto all that, hence they may feel (and act) possessive.  That's not usually a problem unless it's taken to an extreme.  You seem to feel you're taking it to an extreme, and that may well be the case, but it's also possible you're just being hard on yourself. A therapist can give you some input on that by providing some objective assessment and feedback.  

It sounds like you desire more attention than you're getting from your girlfriend, and would also prefer that she spend less time (or perhaps no time at all) with her ex's.  Healthy relationships are all about honest and open communication.  They are also about freely expressing your feelings, desires, and preferences, and making requests of your partner to try to get those desires and preferences met, as much as possible.  The skill of compromise and negotiation is often needed in that task, as well as assertiveness and boundary setting. Therapy is the best way for a couple to learn how to talk to one another, and how to efficiently resolve problems like the one you describe. I also know of a book that you could begin learning that from too: The Power of Two by Susan Heitler.   

Long distance relationships do not "cause" people to be needy and jealous.  What causes negative or painful emotions is not so much the situations we find ourselves in, it's more so what we TELL ourselves about those situations, our inner narrative or "self talk." Our THOUGHTS cause our negative emotions, and that idea is one of the foundations of CBT! 

Do you know that theoretically just about any behavior can be unlearned? And THOUGHTS are indeed behaviors, even though they are invisible behaviors that happen in our brains. Thoughts (not situations) are what cause emotional responses, which is how it works no matter how fiery or placid the personality is, or what kind of parents one had the fortune or misfortune to be raised by. So to unlearn an unwanted emotional response, one would need to unlearn the thoughts (thinking patterns/sets of ideas/inner narratives that are giving rise to it. That's not easy of course, and it's what CBT is all about.  

As far as the "steps" for changing one's inner dialogue? That depends who you ask, as there are many potentially effective strategies for modifying our thinking habits! So the approach (which might or might not include more than one step) would depend on the strategy being employed. I promote and teach a wide range of strategies for modifying inner dialogue because I don't think it's as effective to rely on just one or two strategies.

One good strategy is to modify our 'cognitive distortions.'  Therapy can teach you how to do that.  The next step would be to convince yourself that the newly modified thought is actually true, which can be done in various ways, such as by positive affirmation or immersive 'identity building' or both. 

Changing your thoughts to get to better emotions doesn't mean just ignoring the things you see as a problem!  But you'll find that you'll be able to solve problems better and faster once you are not so upset about them. 

Hope this was helpful, and best of luck to you! 

Maya