How can I learn to understand that myself is enough?

 Hi peppapig,

First I want to say that I am sorry to hear that others are treating you badly.  This is not okay, and every person deserves respect and to be treated how they desire.  It sounds like it could be a matter of low self-esteem, so I would recommend considering ways that you can enhance your sense of self worth and you may then find that you are less tolerant of being treating poorly.  And consider ways to equip yourself with tools, such as direct communication and assertiveness, to be able to respond in an effective manner to these individuals.   Unhealthy behaviors are generally the result of unhealthy thoughts, so it may be that you need to pay more attention to any negative thought patterns and reflect on how to change them.  Working to replace negative thoughts with more positive ones can help change the way you feel.  For example, a simple adjustment of replacing “should” with “can” or "I will" may make a world of difference.  Our self-talk really matters!

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) involves paying attention to how our thoughts, feelings and behavior are all connected, and this could be an area of treatment for you to explore should you decide to engage in therapy.  Talking to a professional, or even reading some literature, may be helpful for you.  The book Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristen Neff is one that comes to mind & I also think of the poem “She Let Go” by Safire Rose, but there are lots others out there!  And know that it is okay to express your emotions, and ask for help.  

Below, I have included some additional general wellness tips that I often share with clients and in my responses:

Having a consistent self-care as well as self-esteem practice is critical.  What do you do for your self-care?  Consider having short mindful moments throughout the day, seeking out some creature comforts and pampering, or finding what you truly enjoy and getting lost in it.  As for self-esteem, take the time to notice what you really like about yourself and honor this.  For some, they will even spend time each day honoring themselves positively in the mirror (this includes considering both internal and external traits!). And consider saying them aloud, and “I love you” to your reflection.  It may seem silly and awkward at first, but can be worth it.

·      Emotions need to be voiced, including anger.  Having a regular practice of feelings identification can be useful.  This entails pausing throughout the day to ask yourself “What is it that I am feeling” and trying to accurately name that feeling.  Also notice what thoughts are associated with it, and what physical sensations.  Doing so even 3 times a day is a good place to start; and there are also lots of guided meditations that can help in this regard.

·      Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become anger, and release some needed endorphins.  It’s a good idea to do so on a regular basis, and you can also do so in the moment when you feel yourself becoming upset (i.e. go for a walk, a brisk run to cool off, etc.)

·      Learn to let go!  Do you feel you need to forgive your ex, or yourself?  Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to dominate positive ones, you may find yourself being “stuck” in bitterness.  On the other hand, when you can genuinely forgive, you might find that you feel more free and even more present in your current relationship.

·      Practice relaxation skills.  I know I am repeating myself when I say self-care is so key! Try such calming & meditative exercises as: deep-breathing, imagery (of a relaxing scene), or repeat a calming word or mantra you create for yourself such as “I can get through this.”  Journaling thoughts and feelings can also be useful.  And don’t forget to laugh!  Having a sense of humor and being able to look on the bright side can go a long way in achieving a sense of peace and happiness. 

I hope you find some of this helpful.  And I, or any other BetterHelp clinician, would be happy to work with you.  I wish you all the best in 2022!  Think about what was helpful and harmful for you this past year, and incorporate more of what can help so that it can be a great year for you.  Good luck!