How can I open my heart to love a man that loves me with everything unconditionally and not critical

Hi Gimmi, 
It is really positive that you have reached out. I am Melissa Cooper a BACP registered psychotherapist. 

It can be important to be self-reflective when wanting to know the answer to your question. Therapy can provide this, but also using our journal and asking ourselves questions can help. 

I hear you say you are married to a man that loves you and care about you - I wonder where you are in this? You mention some days you love him so much, what happens on these days? Is there anything in particular? Do you notice anything in particular change when your emotions are different?

You say your relationship was not a smooth one to start with - perhaps there are unresolved feelings that you have either repressed (unconsciously/unaware of unwanted thoughts or impulses or suppressed, which is deliberately trying to forget or not think about painful or unwanted thoughts). One way of getting through this is to grieve what happened in this time and another is to accept how you feel (see below about how mindfulness can help).

There is not a simple answer to how to open yourself up, but there are encouragements - such as taking it one step at a time, allowing yourself to feel what happens, and trying to appreciate what you have and what you love about your husband. Remind yourself of what you love and appreciate each day. 

You say you notice feelings of jealousy as your friend is getting married, as she gets the things that you didn't get. Consider reflecting on what is this? 

Accepting distress is not about having to like emotional discomfort or being resigned to feeling miserable, or wallowing in negative emotions. Instead, accepting distress is about seeing the negative emotion for what it is, and changing how you pay attention to the emotion. Reacting in an accepting way towards your emotion, often changes the effect the emotion has on you.

Mindfulness is a state of being where you are in the present moment, watching whatever you happen to be experiencing at that time, which is an attitude of curiosity, and without judging or trying to change your experience. In this way, our emotions are not some tumultuous, chaotic vortex we are sucked into and from which we react impulsively. Instead, we become the watcher of our emotions, noticing what is happening to us like a third person, observing and watching our distress with a sense of distance or detachment. As such we don't have to engage with, react to or stop our emotions. Instead, we take the stance of just allowing, observing and making space for the emotion until it passes. 

Consider reaching out for support. You do not have to face your problems alone, we are here to help.

Summary 

• Reflect on what could be going on
• Appreciate what you have and remind yourself what you love about your husband
• Do not hesitate to reach out for support