How can I overcome this fear before marriage?

Hello Cinderella,

Congratulations on your wedding!

Having been married before and knowing the commitment that you are entering into it does not surprise me that you would feel anxious especially if it was a relationship that caused you to experience trauma. I am curious when the anxiety started, if it was prior to your engagement or not. I think marriage is such a big word and has such major connotations that it is easy to feel overwhelmed when planning a life with someone, even if you have been together for years and it sounds like you have. I think nerves and lack of excitement might also be related to if you feel as if you are ready to get married despite the time you have been together. If you feel that you are being coerced into marriage by societal expectations etc. can also somewhat cloud that feeling of happiness and excitement.

Also, as you have been married in the past, everything related to marriage probably holds a lot of triggers for you and is anything but easy to overcome. It seems evident from what you wrote above that you do love him and he loves you, but it might be difficult still not to draw parallels between your current relationship and your last relationship. One way to invest in your new marriage might be to consider couples counseling. If there is anything that you are unsure about regarding your relationship it could be helpful to have a third party help you to work out better ways to communicate, styles of communication, expectations, etc. It is not uncommon for people to feel if they should choose to go into couples counseling that it would mean that they will have to continue with counseling for the rest of their relationship and of course that isn't true, even three to six sessions can help dramatically. I think if you are from different backgrounds and don't share the same beliefs, counseling might help you to discover the boundaries that you have and what beliefs that you do hold in common. 

In regard to his behavior changing once you get married I would ask have there been episodes where he has reverted to past negative behaviors over the course of your relationship? Have there been red flags that would lead you to believe that he might return to the way he was before. Have you discussed any of your fears together?

Rainey