How can I work on insecurities in relationships?

Dear V007,

I am so glad you are reaching out for support and help in this time.  You know that this insecurity in your relationship has caused some great struggle and you want to know what to do.  You want to know what the next steps are and you have high motivation to do something different for yourself and it sounds like you want to move forward so you can get back with your partner in the future.  

When we are struggling and haven't figured something out on our own, it is so important to seek out guidance and support outside of ourselves.  It is important to do that when you are in this desperation for change and I hope that you can seek to take steps for a while in your life to help you change for the long term.  

First let's talk about how we grow insecure in relationships and then we will talk about how to grow to be more stable in our relationships.  

So first of all, we can grow insecure in relationships for several reasons.  Number one we can have insecurities because of how our family  of origin responded to us and built or hurt relationships with us.  If we did not feel stable in our relationships with our parents for many different reasons, we can feel that insecurity in romantic relationships.  We know that that is the reason because we feel insecure right from the beginning of having intimate relationships.  

Another reason we can feel insecure is connected to being overly critical towards yourself.  When we do that, we can make ourselves believe that our partner also feels this way about us. 

Another reason we can feel insecure in relationships is because of our actions of not being faithful or not being honest with our partners.  When we chose to step out of a relationship and cheat on our partner or we are doing things that we know would hurt our partner and we don't talk about that, that can bring about insecurity that our partner would do the same.  

And then lastly, we can feel insecure in relationships because of a partner cheating on us.  This can be the present partner we are with or a past partner that step out. We can then still feel insecure in present relationship, even if they haven't cheated on us, because of the wound from the past.  

So, if I was sitting with you digging into your life, I would seek to figure out which reason or reasons you are feeling insecure in this relationship.  Of course, you can figure that out and I encourage you to be honest with yourself about why you are in this insecure spot.  

Next, there needs to be healing forward movement to help you to feel better within yourself and then within relationships with others.  

I want to talk about how you take those steps.  

First of all, I want to validate that it is OK to have insecure feelings.  We all have different insecurities in our lives and in how we see ourselves.  That is OK.  It is going to affect others when our insecurities manifest into behaviors.  

Secondly, I want to make sure to say that it is important that the relationship that you are fighting for is healthy. If this is a place where you are being emotionally, verbally or physically hurt, this will not be a place where you are grow in your security.  Those two realities are not able to co exist.  

Third, if you want to work on your insecurities in relationships, you have to grow the ability to calm and soothe yourself.  This is going to be an important part of the journey in your relationship with your partner and other relationships as well.  Do you know how to soothe yourself or calm your body?  I recommend that you build ways to calm your physical body because if you can do that, that will also calm your mind.  They are intimately connected.  One way that many people calm their body which then calms their mind is to do deep breathing.  It is important that you do deep breathing that moves your belly outwards.  When your belly expands outwards, it is also expanding inwards and hitting the vegus nerve on your spinal column and that nerve sends a signal to your brain to turn on the parasympathetic nervous system which is the system that calms our body.  You need to build ways to calm your body.  This could be walking away.  This could be using positive self talk, for example, "It is OK to feel insecure right now.  And my partner is with me and seeking to talk through this hard thing. They are showing up for me right now." 

Fourth, if you want to build security in relationship with your partner, you will need to be very direct for what you need.  You can not ask them to make you feel a certain way.  You need to ask for them to do very behavioral things.  Like for instance, if you feel more insecure when you are talking and they are sitting across the room when you are crying.  Then ask them to come sit by you and put their arm around you because the physical touch makes you feel safe with them.  If you need them to call you once a day, you can ask for that AND you can also call them once a day too.  You can ask for what you need and also step into what you need by doing that action too, not just expected them too. 

In order to build security in relationships, it will be important for you and you partner to show up for each other on a consistent basis over and over with kindness and patience.  Security grows when there is a soid ground to stand on and that only happens when we are doing the same thing, healthy things, over and over. 

Lastly, you may need to get emotional support for yourself through counseling.  Many of my clients find that talking through their emotional distress helps them to then build security in their relationships.  You may need help identifying what is going on for you.

I wish you the best of luck!
Paula