How can you learn how to communicate better? What are the best resources?

Hello,

What you're describing is a common issue in relationships--both partners being able to express themselves, feel heard, and deal with problems that arise without either person feeling disrespected or hurt. 

I don't know whether you or your husband are communicating effectively, but I do believe that generally when these issues arise in relationships, both parties need to work to fix the issue. You wrote, "How can I improve our communication..." and unfortunately, you alone may not be able to improve the overall communication. The first step may be to invite him to participate in working on communication. If he is aggressive in his communication with you, there may be issues that he should address individually as well, and similarly for you, if you tend to get defensive, there may be underlying issues that could also be addressed in therapy.

Anyway, it's best to view the challenge not as an individual problem, but as a relationship challenge. If you and your husband did participate in couples therapy, it would allow both of you to express how you are feeling in an environment that is supportive. You would also be asked to look at what is going well in the marriage. Your therapist would likely give you and your husband homework and you and him would practice interacting in different ways. Maybe, for instance, you would identify some needed changes with regards to the time and place that certain conversations within your marriage occur. You would probably also focus on using "I statements". This is especially important when one or both partners feel personally attacked and become defensive. By saying, "I feel disrespected..." or "I feel hurt..." this can make the partner less defensive than statements such as "You disrespected me..." or "You hurt me." 

I encourage you to give therapy a try. If couples' therapy is not something that you and your partner would want to do at this time, you may want to consider individual therapy for yourself to address the emotions associated with conflict and identify whether there may be some factors that make you feel defensive at times (such as any past trauma, or unhealthy past relationships, etc.). Just let me know if you have any additional questions or would like to begin therapy.

Take care,

Nick DeFazio