how do i decide?

It sounds like you are at a place in your life where you are ready for change but taking that next step is the hardest. There are many different reasons that can play a part into why it is so hard to let go. I can share some of those with you to help educate you on that and maybe one or two may resonate with you.

Moving on can be difficult, especially because change is hard. Some people find that they are afraid of change. Being comfortable in a situation because it is familiar sometimes allows us to stay in a situation for much longer than we should just because of that fear of what lies ahead and the unknown. Letting go also means we are removing and freeing ourselves from some aspects of our past that is all we currently know. These things have become part of who we are today so that means we may change when we let go. You want to remind yourself that change can be very positive.

One tool that helps a lot when making a decision, especially a tough and crucial one is looking at the pros and cons of each option in that choice you are contemplating. I would even do this by writing down on paper and being able to physically see in front of you everything that you can think of relating to each. Just remember, change is always uncomfortable at first. And with change comes growth. 

Another reason that letting go becomes difficult for some is if they struggle with low self worth. When this is the case, we can begin to blame ourselves for things and it makes hard to let go of what we intially are struggling to let go of. You have to remember too that letting go is a process, it just does not happen over night and working with someone to process through your thoughts and feelings relating to your change will be very important and helpful in the process. We have both emotional and psychological responses when letting go just as we do when we are grieving a loss. You may also experience and go through all of the stages of grief such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

You mentioned that he has not filed for divorce yet. Is this something that you can take the lead on? If you feel like for your overall health and well being and to start the process of healing you need this to happen, maybe that is something that you can initiate vs waiting for him to do that. I know I did not share specifics but that is because I would need more information from you so I had a better understanding of the background and history of what you have experienced. I hope that you are able to lean on your supports and prioritize you in this process. I think that finding a therapist to work with during this difficult time could be beneficial for you and as you mentioned you can continue to lean on your higher power.

I wish you the best and hope that you can find the strength that you need to continue moving forward.