Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I fix how I approach others or make them feel?

How do I fix how I approach others or make them feel?

Most of the reason why I chose to seek out therapy is because of the communication in my relationship. I'm being told that in my moments of being annoyed or upset the way I approach is not good. My partner has told me that when I'm upset at something in my life or their actions/choices, the way I handle it makes them very upset to the point where a huge fight breaks out. He has acknowledged that there are things he needs to work on as well which we have agreed upon but my issue is I don't always see a problem with how I reacted given their actions caused me to have a reaction which I don't think they always take responsibility for. I want to realize how I am coming off to other people and especially my boyfriend. I do not want to be mean or make them feel guilty/worse. I want to control that attribute of my personality to a non-aggressive way. I just don't know how to approach it other than what I'm used to and I don't think I'm being that unmanageable all the time. I have apologized for the times I have but it's now been a constant issue where I get upset at something and the way I react to my partner sets him off and then he is hurt and angry while I'm trying to understand why he is so upset when I was the one who was upset. I feel like he doesn't see where I'm coming from but I also understand why he wouldn't because if I made him upset it's hard to see the others side. I need clarity, actualization and realization on how I am speaking to others, including tone of voice. I want to be able to communicate effectively even when I'm upset. I know I am not the only one who needs to make changes but I want to start with myself.

Example -
I had a party over this last weekend and my partner typically does stay up later than me, he works nights. The party dissolved at about 3 a.m. and I got into bed. My boyfriend had told me he would be in bed soon and to my knowledge no one was at my house. I fell asleep and woke up around 9 to him not being next to me and it was clear he hadn't gone to bed at all. He was still outside with a friend that I thought had left. I wake up in a panic because he isn't there and I go outside to see him standing there with the friend. I am mad because he should have came to bed but never did. I asked a few questions of basically why are you still up and things like that which I'm sure in a mad tone of voice. I tell him I'm trying not to be irritated but I am. I go back inside and he comes in shortly and makes food in the kitchen. I now am more upset because he did not come to me to talk, he just went to make food. I go and talk to him in the kitchen and he is automatically defensive and angry now, I'm so confused how he would be upset with me when he made an immature choice to stay up all night. A fight breaks out, where we are arguing, not screaming but we are both upset. My brother comes down for a second and then goes back upstairs. At this point my boyfriend accused me at yelling at him in front of my brother. Now I'm even more confused because we never even seen my brother and I'm talking with an upset tone not yelling. My boyfriend storms off and we don't talk until later that night. I want to be able to approach situations better but I'm not sure how because I'm upset and I just don't understand how to not be upset while talking about something that would irritate a normal person in a relationship.

Sorry a lot to unpack!
Show more
Asked by Tindsey
Relationships
Answered
10/25/2022

Hello and thank you for reaching out. The purpose of this part of the platform is to answer one question. I will certainly do my best to serve you in this way.  I hear that you are both looking for techniques for communication and a way to regulate your emotions. People initiate counseling services for many reasons. Yours are certainly just as worthy and valuable.

I do want to say that there is an entity on the platform in which couples can seek services. I hear that you want to work on yourself first. Whether you choose individual therapy or couples therapy, both are available for you. Therapeutically, it is better, and ethically sound, to participate in one at a time. This is the focus is either on you, or it is on your relationship. It is also so there is not a conflict of interest.

Next, some benefits to beginning with individual therapy could be that you have the opportunity to look at the way that you were taught to express emotions. As well, it may be beneficial to look at your individual coping skills and ways to reframe your responses. An individual therapist could help you to look at your experiences in your life and perhaps consider what your world views are. Perhaps also learning mindfulness, which is just focusing on the moment, could be very empowering for you.

As well, if you choose to begin with couples counseling, there can be an opportunity to look at your shared communication styles and your strengths. A couple therapist can give you options for how you can shift and improve your communication without being unintentionally mad with your partner. A very popular and evidence-based technique is called the Gottman technique. This was created by a couple themselves. They center the  technique around relationship repair and building the relationship through what are called love maps. This allows a couple to ask each other questions and grow the relationship right from where you are. each person has a role and opportunity to become more of the partner they want to be.

I certainly wish you the best on your journey.

therapist profile image