How do I get over my wife cheating and lies

Hi Gene, 

Thank you for sharing, and for having the courage to reach out for support. 

I sense your pain and the struggle you must be experiencing.  I recognize your pain.  

Infidelity, and even the possibility of it, represents one of the biggest triggers and greatest fears for many people. 

It represents the root-level fear of being abandoned or rejected and triggers core negative beliefs that you may be unworthy and that you are not enough. 

Experiencing infidelity in your relationship can appear to mirror every experience in your past of being belittled, mistreated, rejected, or abused.  It can feel as if the current experience is proof that you are destined to suffer deep pain.  In this experience, it is easy to rehearse these past events, in the hopes that if you remind yourself of what went wrong in the past, you can prevent it in the future.  

In taking this on, we can sometimes adopt a more hardened, callous disposition.  

You may feel tempted to also interrogate her, believing that if you keep tabs on her and know what she’s up to and who she’s with at all times, you’ll feel better.  

This is a mistaken notion.  No current sense of control will change what has happened in the past, and will not dissipate those triggers.  

Give yourself permission to do what is best for yourself at this time.  If you are too angry to engage with her in a healthy and loving way, give yourself permission to take time away in order to heal.  It is best to be honest and clear about where you are, rather than to do something harmful and damaging that will sit on your conscience and ruin any attempt to reconcile.  

I want to encourage you to stay in your heart, and to seek out spaces and environments in which your open-heartedness is welcomed and supported.  

Perhaps, you can seek out emotional support in the form of support groups.  This may be especially helpful if you don't have friends or family members in which sharing and emotional vulnerability is respected and welcomed.  

Consider spaces and practices that support you in feeling and being unabashed, non-resistant, and free.  It could be listening to or playing music, going fishing, sitting outside, writing down your feelings, talking it out with a trusted friend or confidant, or praying, mindfulness, etc..  

I am not sure what your practices are, but it is important that you are committed to filling up when you feel empty, depleted, and lost.  

Be committed to yourself and your self-care on a daily basis.  Remember to keep yourself as balanced as possible, honoring your needs for nutrition, movement, rest, connection, and balance.  Body, mind, and spirit- keep all three in mind right now, as it is easy to feel discombobulated when we are in pain.  

It may even help to write out your needs at this time to ensure that you have some kind of structural support around you in times in which you may be feeling unmotivated and dissociated.  

It is okay not to feel the need to focus on doing anything about the relationship right now.  It is okay to feel and to be honest about your feelings.  Until you are present in your body, you are not likely to make decisions that will work best for you or in the best interest of your wife at this time.  

If you are in a place to consider the best steps regarding the relationship, it is important for you to reflect on what you need at this time.  What things cause you do feel triggered and unstable within this relationship? What potential relationship patterns or dynamics could be contributing to relational instability?  What kinds of things help you to feel rooted and connected to your partner?  What kinds of friends and supports do you have in your lives? Do those individuals uplift and support the health of your relationship?  

Again if these kinds of ideas feel premature right now, ti is okay to focus on centering and grounding yourself at this time.  

This is a time to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve.  This will support you in having clarity about forward movement.  

If you ever feel the need for further support, do not be afraid to reach out to others.  

You do not have to take this on by yourself.  

I wish you all the best moving forward. 

Darla Roundtre, LCSW