How do I move forward?

Hello CK and thank you for your question regarding moving forward in a situation that leaves you feeling out of control. I want to start by encouraging you to identify what boundaries you are ready to implement to move forward. This may need to be implemented with the support of your boyfriend to support you and your concerns. You may need to talk to your boyfriend to be clear about how it makes you feel when the roommate behaves in certain ways in front of him without being held accountable for his actions. It is also understandable if the boyfriend does not want to "get in the middle" so to speak due to fear of losing a friend or a girlfriend which is prompting the suggestion of a sit down. 

If you decide to sit down and talk to the roommate about your concerns, you should be goal oriented so the focus is not on rehashing older details or events that may be triggering. It may start off with you saying, "Over the past X amount time that I have been dating "John", there have been several incidents that have caused me to feel sad or out of control. I need to be clear that this behavior will no longer be tolerated and needs to stop. We both care about "John" and enjoy the company of our social group. However, we all deserve to feel confident and safe around each other and your actions are limiting my ability to do that. I have spoken with "John”, and he is in support of us resolving our issues and moving forward. From this point on, this is what I need to feel comfortable around you (as you list out your boundaries). What is that you need from me to feel comfortable during our time together as a social group?” Also, keep in mind that during the sit down, there will need to be "rules" around the way you two will communicate, when to take a break if things are too tense or escalating, and, make sure you two have a clear resolution to move forward with. 

I hope that this is a start in helping you find relief in this situation, and I wish you the best with it.