How do you have a confrontational discussion with out being upset? I already do breath exercises.

Hi, Daniela-- You pose a great question. So often people enter into difficult and confrontational conversations in highly emotional states. When in highly emotional states, it is common to become overwhelmed with those emotions and lose sight of the task at hand. One tried and true method for such issues is using what Dialectical Behavior Therapy refers to as "Wise Mind." Entering into confrontational conversations with this method can help to balance the emotional state with a more logical state, finding the balance in between. 

Each of us has three ways that we react to situations. One reaction is our rational, reasonable, and logical way. The second is our more emotional way. Both serve importance in life, and both are valid, even if they seem to be opposing at times. The third response is the Wise Mind, which is a balance of the emotional and logical states. Wise Mind says that neither side of reaction (emotions or logic) are wrong or bad.  What is important, however, is finding a way to balance the two and enact Wise Mind.

Achieving Wise Mind requires being able to acknowledge that we are having an emotional reaction, first and foremost.  It also requires experiencing those feelings without having to act on them. This often is best achieved by learning to pause and take a breath... giving yourself time and space to let your logical mind catch up. Once your logical mind has been given the opportunity to catch up, you can more accurately weigh the logical thoughts with the emotional ones, incorporating balance as you decide how to move forward. 

In addition to using Wise Mind, it can also be helpful to consider what you're hoping to gain from the confrontation. What is the goal? What are you hoping to achieve? With those goals in mind, consider how your communication can influence the outcome. For example, there's the old expression "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar." This means that we all have the opportunity to influence the outcome of a conversation through our approach. If we come into a confrontation guns blazing, making accusations, and using aggressive tones, then we are likely to be met with resistance and defensiveness. However, if we approach a confrontational discussion with care, compassion, and willingness to listen, we are likely to be met with more favorable outcomes. Tone isn't the only factor that contributes to healthy communication, but it's a great foundation to build upon. 

In addition to tone, consider checking in with yourself regarding other factors such as volume of speech, time and place of the discussion, body language, the current emotional state of the person you're talking with, and your own willingness to listen.

I hope you find these tips helpful! 

-Emma