Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do you let go of a person you don't want to let go of?

How do you let go of a person you don't want to let go of?

I was dating my girlfriend for a while and we were talking and making plans about getting married and what our lives were going to look like down the road together. One morning she wakes up and decides to end things without putting up a fight or trying to fix whatever problems we had. I think there's still hope for us to work out in the end and I still love her so much and I think she still loves me too, but "now isn't the time". I don't want to have to move on from her and all I want is to be welcomed back into her arms but it's just hard because I know that there's nothing I can do to fix it except wait and let her find herself or whatever. She was my first real relationship and before that I never had a problem being on my own and she said I needed to find that happiness in myself again but every morning I wake up and I just feel a need for her to be next to me again. I don't know what to do about it honestly. I don't want to move on but I know I can't stay still either. Tough spot me over here.
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Asked by RB
Relationships
Dating
Answered
10/25/2022

Hi there, I am glad that you reached out. It's always tough when a relationship ends, especially when it's unexpected. Have you taken stock and inventory of how you feel about the relationship? Do you miss the relationship itself or are you still in shock and processing the wound of being let go? Essentially, this comes down to respecting her choices. She has made a choice that she does not want to be in this relationship anymore and she does not want to work on it. What makes you still want to work on this even though she has made it clear that she does not want to be in this relationship and does not want to take the time to work on it?

In relationships, sometimes love isn't enough. We can love someone but if our morals, values and vision for the future are not aligned, then it will be very difficult to move forward, even if there is love involved. I would remember that being in a relationship means more than just romantic, good times. It's also a commitment and you want to enter into a commitment with someone who sees things similarly to how you do and vice versa.

I would first make sure that you have really processed this break up and also, from what it sounds like, this rejection. Sometimes the wound and the sting of a break up or rejection can make us eager to "work on things" because we want the pain of the experience to go away and we assume that getting back together will make that pain go away. But, if nothing has changed since you broke up, then you will likely get back into a situation that will have the same outcome again.

I would encourage you to process this break up with a trusted friend or therapist and then take it from there when you are able to think more clearly and objectively about the entire situation. That may take awhile, but there is no rush. You have to make sure that you are ok before you hop back into a relationship- with her or someone new. 

(MS, LPC, NCC)