Ask a therapist > Relationships > How should I handle my boyfriend's friend who crossed a boundary?

How should I handle my boyfriend's friend who crossed a boundary?

A female friend of my boyfriend invited him to go out clubbing with her (he doesn't drink or club) she does. This friend of his knows about me and she knows that we're in a relationship for 5 months now. He told her he doesn't go out but he'll pass by the club to "wish her well" whatever that means. I feel his female friend crossed a boundary by inviting him out clubbing alone w/o his significant other. My boyfriend and I made it clear that there will be no link up's / hanging out with the opposite sex. I don't think she respects the relationship for this. He sets boundaries but it bothers me that she’s comfortable inviting him out clubbing with her, he also goes to her for advice. his female friend is his coworker and I don't believe he will completely avoid conversation with her. He is kinda religious and I don't feel comfortable having a friend that’s out clubbing. (We are both against it, although he told her he would pass by the club to meet her, he didn’t have time to pass by because I was having conversation with him but in the mist of it she called to bribe him to come to the club and party with her. going by the club to meet her. I know the friends we keep can influence us, I care that he keeps friends like himself around and not get involved in outside activities. Am I overreacting? How should I handle this friend?

Asked by Mercedez

Relationships

Dating

Answered

01/03/2023

Hello Mercedez,

It is very nice to meet you. Thank you for taking the time to send in your question. You ask a great question. It sounds like these boundaries, that both you and your boyfriend have agreed upon, are very important to you. It is understandable why you feel uncomfortable with his friend asking him to go out to a club with her.

What's important is that you and your boyfriend are on the same page with these boundaries. Also, he does not have to go the club to "wish her well", particularly since clubbing is not something he normally does. What's most important is that you and he have established the guideline that neither of you go out with anyone of the opposite sex.

If you and I were working together in counseling, I would want to know more about what boundaries/expectations you and he have discussed and set in the relationship. You do bring up a valid point in that the friends we surround ourselves with do have an affect on us.

Remind yourself that this friend does not have a relationship with you, nor does she have loyalty to you. What you care about is what your boyfriend is doing. He should not have a problem with setting this boundary with his friend. He might also consider how much he shares with her, you mentioned that he has gone to her for advice.

Setting boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable, which may be why he has hesitated being more clear with her. Once he starts to set clear boundaries with her, she should get a clearer idea of what he is and is not comfortable with. I would encourage you to let him know that this bothers you and you are not comfortable with going out to a club to say hi to his friend. Would you feel differently if he did go, but also brought you? We all need boundaries in relationships, friendships. What matters is what you are comfortable, not what the other person thinks about these boundaries.

I hope that you have found this information helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward on your journey.

Mrs. Rebecca Jarrell

LPCC, LPC