Ask a therapist > Relationships > How to forget and clear things in my mind? I wish to get a peaceful mind again.

How to forget and clear things in my mind? I wish to get a peaceful mind again.

I am 19, have been in a relationship of 3 months. It was my first experience with having a bf. I soon recognised things were not working the way they should; he lied about the smallest of things, made promises he never kept, words didn’t match his acts, said things which later he would deny to have said, I should do certain things which he himself never did for me, never showed real interest in my life (when I went a weekend away with my sis he wouldn’t wish me a nice stay, didn’t even ask me where we went.) I tried to break up after about one month, but he tricked me with his words to stay. Then after two months I again wanted to leave on which he got in tears and gave me red roses to say sorry for the things he did to me. Soon after he threatened to isolate me from my family if I ever decided to break up again. On the third month I again felt very bad, was crying much. I know I am a sensitive person and he knew too but wouldn’t do a thing to make me feel good. I told him I wanted to break up permanently this time and also that he shouldn’t try to get me back in any way. This time he kept quiet and I didn’t hear from him ever since.
It’s one month since I broke up. Still I think about this much and all that happened since I met him. For some reason my mind can’t leave it behind though I wish and pray that he will leave my mind. Still every morning I wake up he is the first thing on my mind. I don’t want this! I decided to continue my life without him and wish my mind to have peace again. He doesn’t deserve to be on my mind. Please! How can I really leave this behind?

Asked by Kim

Relationships

Answered

10/25/2022

Well done for realizing things were not what you wanted from the relationship and for being brave and leaving it. This strength of character will absolutely help you to move on. It is regrettable that your first experience in a relationship was not a positive one.

Even though this relationship was not what you expected and was difficult to leave, it is ok to feel sad that it is over because I'm sure there were some good bits and it is human nature to focus on the good and minimize the not so good/bad.

You mention that towards the end of the relationship he threatened to isolate you from family and friends and I'm curious if that has happened. Are you spending time with family and friends who understand what you have been through and are supportive? Do you have interesting and engaging activities booked, things to look forward to?

When we feel sad it is easy to forget we are important to people in our lives and part of picking ourselves up and moving on is the process of self-care. This is often misinterpreted as self-indulgence, with lots of people discussing facials/face masks and such. However, self-care is initially about taking care of your basic needs; are you getting enough food & fluid, sleep, social interaction? Do you have working strategies for stopping your brain running overtime? Do you have any hobbies or interests that are so absorbing you don't realize what time it is? It may sound as if I am explaining the obvious and these are the things that get lost and missed when we are having a sad or depressive episode.

There is no fixed timeline for getting over a relationship, and one that you felt unsupported, or even scared in, can be more difficult. This can be because we are left with a feeling of injustice. I wonder how you would feel about writing him a letter and explaining how the relationship felt to you and has left you feeling. I must stress this letter is not for sending, this is purely for you to get your thoughts and feelings about the relationship out of your head. We process information differently when we read it to when we think it, so seeing how the relationship has made you feel may support you in finding ways to move on from it.

I hope this has been helpful.

Ms. Lyn O’callaghan