How to handle difficult in-laws

Hello Clara,

It seems that you and your husband are feeling dismissed by your brother-in-law and his wife. This may make it an uncomfortable dynamic to be around the family for you and your husband. It is important that you and your husband set clear boundaries of respect between your in-laws. If they were willing to sit with you and your husband privately to have a genuine conversation about how their behavior toward you affects your relationship with them. Be objective and consider their feelings too in relation to the strain in the dynamic. If your mother-in-law is behaving in the same manner the son may be more drawn to think that is acceptable; therefore his wife could be pulled in without much awareness of how it is affecting you and your husband. 

Also, do you think that your mother in law would be willing to sit with you and your husband to have an open conversation about how certain areas may be sensitive and are keeping you up at night worrying and unsettled? It may have no impact on them making a change; therefore, it is imperative that you and your husband develop cohesion and boundaries when allowing others to impact your relationship and self-esteem. To do this you have to be aware of not only your physical boundaries but your emotional and psychological boundaries. You can do this by learning effective communication styles and skills of what you will and won't accept from others regardless of family or not. You have a right to feel secure and not subject to feeling less than anyone. Do not allow this type of unhealthy behavior and let them know you will not be subjected to it and have an outlet with your husband if this could occur.

You and your husband would benefit from learning communication styles that are healthy and cohesive in your relationship dynamic allowing for an alliance between you that will make it clear about acceptance in your relationship and how you will correspond in social settings with the family members.

Writing down your triggers with them will help you become more resilient, objective, and tolerant of others' behaviors and responses in conversations. Remember this is not your behavior. Practicing some grounding techniques before approaching may be effective too. Mindfulness skills would be added to help you with emotional regulation and be able to express your thoughts and emotions more clearly when setting these boundaries. Using a wise-mind approach will allow you to not take their behavior personally.

I encourage building solid self-confidence knowing who you are, your beliefs, values, and your own identity, and where you stand in what you will accept in your relationships. Taking this approach leaves little tolerance for any unhealthy unwanted behaviors or mindsets. You and your husband can learn to separate yourself from ridicule or hostile judgment.

Each week we can work on skills that enhance your cognitive awareness and ways to express your feelings appropriately. You can start to develop goals and objectives such as learning effective communication or interpersonal skills, learning three methods of coping skills to decrease any anxiety you may feel, and working through feelings of intensity and thought disruptions.

I recommend journaling daily to enhance thought processes and gain clarity on the presenting issues that brought you to counseling. It's a process that takes patience with yourself and gaining a sense of self-care and soothing when you feel unsettled. By being clear you will gain the tools to validate your feelings and desires of how you want to be treated by others. You and your husband can also work together with some worksheets I will send you and practice boundaries and communication styles. Once these boundaries are established you can then meet with them to share these changes and what is acceptable and what isn't. These will not change how they respond which is out of your control; however, you get to say what is allowed in your life. It is taking your energy and time when we have no control over how they will respond to your emotional needs. Use these tools effectively and continue to practice on a consistent basis therefore you will see and be able to measure your results in an effective manner.

I hope that this brings you some insight and hope for results. Take your time on learning these methods and skills to enrich all your relationships throughout the course of your life. Relationships are rich and desirable as long as they do no harm. You have to be mindful and keep your emotions safe by setting boundaries with others that you allow in your life. Keep an open mind that others may not be able to see objectively as you and will remain stuck in a negative judgmental mindset. This is not our energy to control anything that others do.

Challenge yourself to work through your triggers and anxiety related to all these thoughts that you may be ruminating at night about. Try to rest and eat healthily, exercise is very beneficial for mood regulation too. Use coping strategies when feeling triggered or anxious around social situations with your in-laws.

I hope to see you next week and look forward to helping you reach your therapeutic goals in relationship building and such. Remember that therapy is a process of deep rich connection with yourself and your goals and desires. We will explore your strengths further but also any limitations that you feel you may have. I hope that you will build on your confidence and confide in a support group if needed. This will only enhance your knowledge and outlets. Hope that you have some coping skills and feel confident approaching this very delicate situation. I will send more material and assessment screenings to rule out any other adjustments that could be present. You will find this in your platform with direction and guidance in application and skillset. Take care and let me know if you need anything between our sessions.