How to I stop being upset with myself for things I can't control?

Hello,

I'm going to do my best to lead you in the correct direction with noticing being upset with yourself on things you can't control. There are a few things you mentioned that could be helpful to understand and look for change here. 

I like to start out with the question of, "who's there for me?" I might start out and write down names of people you tend to feel close to or someone you share information with. If you don't, I may encourage who you give the most advice to as a potential person to talk about things with. Once you have their names down, I would strongly encourage being intentional on increasing your disclosure in the relationship. An example might be a share an opinion and see if they tend to mirror a response. If they don't, that's okay, you're just seeing if they match your disclosure level and continue to increase it until you feel you can disclose very personal information.

Another part of this is asking, "do I feel comfortable in sharing my feelings, thoughts, emotions to others?" I think this can be a self-reflection in checking in vs. getting stuck in blaming others/life/etc (I do it quite often, we all do). Self reflection can include what it means to share feelings to someone, what the culture of being a leader looks like, checking in do I feel safe in telling people, do I tend to disclose or do I have a view on why I may not share my feelings as it may be threatening to share?

First to help with issues of slack I often look at, "Am I balancing being fair to myself and others?" If I'm unbalanced on either side, then I don't tend to feel good about myself because I'm not acting within my own self-worth. I'm possibly hearing an imbalance of not being fair to self because you're taking care of everyone, except you and sounds like balancing both may be a more congruent lifestyle you're looking for. I notice if I tend to take care of myself and wants and needs, I feel it's easier to give to others without repercussions from myself.

This leads to the next point. It sounds like you might need to use nonjudgmental language towards yourself. I think understanding your experience is more important than getting stuck in that, "I'm not good enough, dumb, or towards others, etc. I usually will do this to help myself with self-validation / judgments. I feel this x because of this y. I feel uneasy because someone was cold towards me when they usually aren't.

I hope this is helpful to give you a few brief ideas and something that can be explored much further in depth in therapy,

Mitchell Daas, MA, LPCC