How to stop being a people pleaser?

Hi T, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and for being so willing as to explain your unique circumstances.  As I reflect upon your encounters, I am mindful of the saying that, "One cannot pour from an empty pot."  Often times, we attempt to provide individuals with resources, attention, or energy that we ourselves do not explicitly have.  After awhile, such attempts prove as being futile and can quickly lead to burnout or general disappointment.  Learning to set internal boundaries with ourselves and external boundaries with others, will assist with preserving our energy and preventing burnout.  Together, a proper understanding of our internal needs combined with tactfully assertive communication, will serve as essential tools in this endeavor.  Enforcing the word "no" is not necessarily selfish if it promotes self-preservation.  In many ways, the loneliness, hopelessness, confusion, and feelings of loss that might be arising, can serve as "Check Engine Lights" within your body and mind.  Asking yourself, "How am I feeling and what do I need?" on a regular basis, will assist with formulating a healthy relationship to develop with yourself.  

Ultimately, the underlying element that needs to be carefully considered is: How do I become self-sufficient in satisfying my own needs?   Rather than seeking the approval, acceptance, or recognition from others, what might need to change within oneself to help foster those intrinsic feelings and values?  As you reflect upon the requirements for instituting change, be mindful of your own physical/biological needs as well.  Cultivating a healthy sleeping habit, dietary regiment, exercise routine, and fulfilling promises made to oneself, can only better assist with becoming self-sufficient.  Understanding the definition of dignity, as well as your own core values, can also assist with navigating the desire to please other people.  

Sometimes it is helpful to draw wisdom from many additional sources/resources in order to attend to a perceived problem.  Identifying the qualities that are present within your more intimate friendships and relationship, might help to sustain future pursuits with others.  Targeting residual regrets as well as any lingering feelings of blame, shame, or guilt that are directed toward oneself, can eradicate the need to seek approval from others, as well.