How to stop lying.

Hey Mike,

I want to thank you first of all for being open and honest about the traits that have caused you issues in the past, and what you feel like you have already done to remedy the situation.  It sounds like you have really put forth a lot of effort to look introspectively at things and figure out what you can change, and accepting the things that are out of your own control.  

I think that you start addressing the Lying issue like you did the other qualities about yourself that you changed - recognizing it for what it is and being able to look at what is happening around the time that you found yourself lying.  

- Who is around?  Who am I lying to?  What am I lying about?  

Looking at those things will help you to look at the patterns that are surrounding those behaviors and what may be triggering the need to lie. 

Then we start to look at the purpose of the lie --- is it defensive?  To safeguard someone?  And if so --- what is the rationale behind that?  Lying almost always serves some kind of purpose.  I think it's important to look at what that reason is, so that we CAN take steps to understand and change it. 

If it's defensive - am I guilty of something?  If not, then letting our guard down and being open about that, especially since it seems like there's a history of trauma, can allow you to let your guard down a little more and be more open to that relationship.  If there is guilt - it's important to remember that being honest and up front is the only thing that is going to allow your relationship to grow.  And it allows her the opportunity to be a part of solving / resolving the issues that are happening. 

If you are protecting someone else - even if its her feelings - then again, it might be time to re-evaluate things or focus on learning better ways to communicate with her.  If you aren't sure how to talk to her about things, taking a step back and thinking about how she might be receptive to the information and how you can present it in a way that she would be open to talking.  I think sometimes our tone, volume, and body language can also be indications that there's something going on. 

Also talk to your partner about how she can help "call you out" on some of these things so that you can be more aware of your own "tells".  It may help you to be more self-aware and able to catch yourself in those impulsive moments where you feel like you need to lie.  

Good luck and thank you for being willing to be open to feedback!