I love a person and he loves me back, but his work takes him a lot of time, should I adapt or leave?

Hi Anna,

It is difficult for me to give you a clear answer to your question ‘should you leave or adapt’ given the details of what you have shared.  I don’t want to make any assumptions here. You have been together for a while now (6 years) so something is working for you both!  Perhaps this is something that needs to be communicated about in you relationship? Maybe you need to have more reassurance about future intentions and commitment (not sure?).

Healthy relationships don’t look the same for everyone since people have different needs. Your specific needs around communication, intimacy, affection, space, shared hobbies or values, and so on may change throughout life.

In short, “healthy relationship” is a such a far-reaching term because what makes a relationship thrive depends on the needs of the people that are in it.  But a key sign of a healthy relationship is communication.  It is a trademark of a healthy relationship. Couples in healthy relationships typically are able to talk about the things going on in their lives: successes, failures, work issues, social matters and everything in between. You should be comfortable talking about just about anything that might arise in your daily life, such work-related things or friend stress, to more serious issues, such as mental health symptoms or any money matters. Even if you have a different opinion, your partner listens without any judgment and then they  share their perspective.

Remember though, communication goes both ways. It’s important you feel that your partner will openly voice what they might want or be concerned about or thoughts that might come up. So, where you might want to start considering is communicating about things like: ‘Why is working away necessary for your partner?’  ‘What does the timeline look like?’   Consideration about whether any change is in the future, eg. is it just for another year or so or is there no real end to this? 

Once you are able to openly communicate about these important matters to you perhaps you can consider why this matters so much to you.  I am wondering if you might benefit from some self-exploration of your needs and how you can get your needs met.  I would encourage you to consider reaching out to a professional counselor; someone who can support you and give you some neutral yet fair feedback and guidance.

You mentioned that you ‘feel abandoned’ – perhaps this is an opportunity to explore with a therapist.   Is this something that you can work on, maybe if you can overcome this feeling of abandonment – would you feel okay about your partner working away so much? Is there something in your life that creates too much dependency in your life? Is there something that needs attending to in your life to help you achieve a strong sense of self confidence and independence?

Healthy relationships are best described as ‘interdependent’. Interdependence means you rely on each other for mutual support but still maintain your identity as a unique individual. In other words, your relationship is balanced. You know you have their approval and love, but your self-esteem doesn’t depend on them. Although you’re there for each other, you don’t depend on each other to get all your needs met. You still have friends and connections outside the relationship and spend time pursuing your own interests and hobbies.

Most people in healthy relationships prioritize spending time together, though the amount of time you spend together can vary based on personal needs, work, and other commitments, living arrangements, and so on. But you also recognize the need for personal space and time on your own. Maybe you spend this time relaxing solo, pursuing a hobby, or seeing friends or family. Whatever you do, you don’t need to spend every moment together or believe your relationship suffers when you spend some time apart.  However, I can see that the length of time you spend apart is causing you some concern and discomfort. I believe you would benefit from talking with a trusted therapist about this concern – someone who can hear all the details and help you determine if this relationship is right for you. 

If you feel you are not happy in your relationship and you cannot find your way through this on your own or as a couple - before you make your decision, consider reaching out to a professional therapist. Someone to help you assess the ‘full picture’ of your relationship so you can way up whether all other aspects of your relationship are healthy.  You can explore why you feel abandoned and whether this is something that you can overcome or if your partner’s work is indeed a deal breaker and it is best for you to walk away and move on.  You have been together for a while now (6 years) so something is working for you both!  

I wish you the best of luck with your next step.

Best Wishes,

Gaynor