Is it damaging to require phone access from a partner after infidelity? Can the mariage be salvaged?

Hello QB,

In my professional opinion, the first thing that is important to look at is the infidelity that you speak about in terms of forgiveness. It is going to be important for you to reflect on the frame of reference that you provided for the reasoning for getting back together so that you can evaluate how your decision was made. This is important to reflect on because often times we can return to a marriage and re-enter the relationship based off of feelings of loneliness, attachment struggles and other unhealthy emotional driven reasons rather than taking a step back to see what could have been some root causes to the infidelity. You want to look at the root causes of the infidelity so that your reference for returning back to the marriage is built around a healthy understanding of the struggles that need to be worked on to have evidence that the relationship is truly growing and trust is being rebuilt. 

Healthy boundaries can be set but you want to ask yourself were these boundaries set to try to get my partner to not cheat on me, because if so then you will become a police in the relationship rather than working together with your partner to see change on both ends. Although there may only be one cheating spouse, there is still the responsibility of progress on both peoples' parts to return to a marriage to contribute to change. It's hard to see that if boundaries are set around one person's expectation to make changes. 

Having access to his phone for 6 months to a year does seem like a surface level way to rebuild trust. In the long run, this could become emotional turmoil for the relationship because it could become a way for you to suppress or bottle up true feelings that come up in situations and rather than communicate how you feel directly you may use the phone hunt as a way to find something to question him about. The constant vigilance may make you feel uneasy, or even feel crazy, when it goes on indefinitely. A lot of uncommunicated feelings and emotions may emerge from what you've seen on your partner’s phone and your response may be enhanced. 

Also consistent phone or social media accounts checking can also make someone feel violated and although as said before it may be validating for you to want to do so, that is not going to keep someone from cheating and it's not going to stop someone from conducting in any behaviors that they haven't already set their mind out to do. Phone checking can also cause you to lose sight on the positives that are happening in the here and now and might even cause you to spend more time thinking about what could be in his phone than what you both have to give to each other in the moment. In other words, it could potentially interfere with the healing process. 

Also you speak about the children - if your marriage is not being defined as two people loving each other and if all your children witness is arguing and a lot of mistrust between their parents you want to be mindful of how that could impact your children in the future. I know that often times we want to "stay together for the children" but the staying together for the children can often mean that no real work is being put in for two people to show love toward each other and your children can grow up thinking how can two people be together and love each other? It can become more complex.

Professional support, such as marriage counseling, could help here if you’re both committed to addressing the complex challenges of setting healthy boundaries and rebuilding trust, especially since it sounds like you are concerned he may be a serial cheater. Individual therapy could also help you process this ongoing breach of trust. 

Thank you for your time. Have a pleasant evening ahead!