My partner is not affectionate with me, he does not communicate how he feels towards me. What to do?

Hi Sky,

Thank you for reaching out for some additional support.  It sounds like you are feeling confused, along with some insecurity and potentially questioning some things.  I hope I can provide some feedback and ideas that are helpful.

You mentioned love languages and I am glad you are familiar with the idea.  I am not sure the last time you (and your partner) took the love language quiz but it may be worth taking again and talking about the results.  Typically, we show love the way we want to be loved.  As an example. if his love language is gifts, then he is more apt to show his love by giving gifts.  There also needs to be clear communication.  If you are struggling to share some things with him, what about writing it down and having it with you when you two talk?  You could tell him you did not want to forget anything so you made some notes.

It is okay to ask and tell him what you need.  If he is struggling to communicate his feelings, I am wondering if some type of journal or back and forth writing (via email or diary you two share) may help get things started.

When you have these conversations with your partner, are you using "I" statements?  They are very simple, direct and to the point.  An example may be, "I feel neglected when we do not spend time together or I feel alone when there is no response from you."

While it is a cliche, people say actions speak louder than words.  What are his actions telling you?  Do his actions tell you he wants to continue to be in the relationship?  I realize that may be a difficult question to ask, however, if he is calling and you two are spending time together, is that all he is capable of right now?  Are there other stressors going on in his life and he does not have the emotional bandwidth at this time to give more to the relationship?  You can only control your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors.  If you still want to be affectionate and that is how you are, continue to be and tell and ask him for what you need and want.

You mentioned you two used to go on dates.  I am wondering if you would want to start to plan them again.  You mentioned there are not as many intimate moments during the week.  I am taking that to mean physically.  Are you two emotionally connected and emotionally intimate?  Can there be phone calls during the week that help bridge the gap and conversations that are more than just asking how the day went.  There is an app called Card Decks or Gottman Deck of Cards with questions or tasks the two of you can talk about or do to or for one another.  I am also wondering if you two would consider take turns planning dates for when you do get to see each other.  Maybe a mystery date or mystery weekend away where one person plans and the other person is only told what kinds of clothes to pack.

I am also wondering if your insecurity is from this relationship or is there anything from your past that is hanging out in the back of your head and reminding of something from before?

I hope these ideas are helpful and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica